debra parker

hungry.

2011-12-27T14:49:00.000-06:00

on entering into a story.

i want to enter into some stories here.

i do. i am hungry for it.

i hope soon will be the right time.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

imperfect but not.

2011-11-25T21:27:00.001-06:00

Sometimes you (read: me) want a horribly cropped and shaky video to capture the imperfect but treasured moments of life. #thanksgivingisthanksliving

Thanksgiving 2011 from Debra Parker on Vimeo.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

what is this story.

2011-11-10T11:16:00.001-06:00

when you know His love is for us all. and when you know you are the one to be His love.

i talked to her on the phone again yesterday.

her, the one who carried me under her heart. she speaks kind words.

we laugh.

i don't know her. i don't know who she is and who she is not. i know facts, dates, marriages, children. but, i don't know her. i've heard her stories, the hard ones about pain and struggle. my heart breaks. i shake my head and don't know what to say. i start running, i pound the ground with my feet. i don't understand.

what is this story.

who am i in it.

when you know His love is for us all. and when you know you are the one to be His love.

so many women i've prayed with, i cried with, and tried to serve.

none of them the woman who grew me in her body. and here i find myself, a heart that does not want to open because i am afraid. in spotted glimpses i think of her. it's not me, it's God who brings her to my mind. i run, i pound the ground because i do not understand.

what is this story going to be.

who am i in it.

related.
becoming: she cried
becoming: puzzle pieces
july 20
august 24
september 30

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

ourselves.

2011-11-07T22:45:00.000-06:00

listening to Rich and Poor by Robbie Seay Band.

the six of us, five of us paying attention, one of us acting like a toddler, all of us sat together in the living room tonight. it was time for another come to Jesus meeting. it's the one when we each admit to defending our own importance in the family. in the last weeks we have each in our own way fought for ourselves against each other.

fighting over a certain seat in the van. fighting about who was in the wrong. fighting about whose turn it was to do the dishes. fighting about music being too loud. fighting about children being too wild. fighting about who bounced the ball and woke up the toddler.

fighting about ourselves.

fighting for ourselves.

i sat there on the couch talking about Jesus, about how we will choose to love each other, and how we will strive to love each other like Jesus. to serve as a reminder, Carly and Ronel would serve each other daily. Carly will make Ronel's bed each morning, she will ask him what he will like for breakfast and make it for him, and then she will clean his dish. Ronel will do the same for Carly. Colt will take the role of leader and serve the both of them as well as hold some responsibility for the attitude of his siblings.

then it was my turn to to admit to living and defending my importance in our family. it is my turn to remember that my posture should be a posture of service and love to these ones. too many days i remind everyone of all the work i've done in that day. i take photos of the laundry i do and post them online. i am easily frustrated when i pick up the same shoes over and over. i give a mean look and become freakishly disappointed when one of my things are borrowed and then broken. if the toddler doesn't nap just right i allow feelings of anger to rise and destroy my mood and certainly his.

the kids are in bed now. i am still thinking about all of this. what would my life be like if i really lived my days not defending myself. what if i really lived with a posture of service to not only my people but also everyday people i meet. what if i really loved others more than myself. no really, what if...

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

hello, my name is Debra.

2011-11-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

i started potty training Jude today.

enough said.

#ineedasisterwifethatisnotasisterwife

#hedidlookadorableinbatmanunderwear

#youaremysupportgroup

clearly, i twitter, and have a hashtag obsession.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

orphan Sunday.

2011-11-01T12:15:00.001-05:00

orphan care. i have seen this very topic divide people, scare people, and humble people. how and when and what can we do to care for orphans. this Sunday is what is known as Orphan Sunday. it is a chance to share what you know, or sit and listen and learn.

i want to encourage you to take a seat at the Orphan's Table. the idea is to make a simple meal like oatmeal and while sharing dinner with family or friends, talk, really talk. ask questions. Orphan Sunday has a great resource called Orphan Sunday Prayer and Discussion Guide. talk about what scares you, talk about what makes you mad, talk about what you can learn, talk about what you can do.

then decide to take part in the Live Webcast Event on Sunday night. with your same talking group watch, take part, share, learn. it is going to be a great event. if you want to take part in the Live from Kansas webcast know it is free BUT you have to register before. like go now and register.

we started talking about orphan care with a very young Carly and Colt. i vividly remember their early elementary faces learning about children in our neighborhood and also in far away places who are without parents. we were ready as a family to be action for orphans because of their young awareness. it was not something we told them be about but, we shared stories, we shared truth and they became about orphan care.

if you happen to live in the Houston area, i would love for you to come to Bayou City Fellowship this Sunday, Orphan Sunday. our church has created a walk through of art stations with a lot of information to simply bring awareness. it is something you will want to see, so come if you are close.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

halloween 2011

2011-10-31T22:37:00.001-05:00

i hope to never forget hearing my favorite heavy weight champion and twenty two month old say twik-oh-twee and tank eww. it was so cute.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

enough.

2011-10-31T12:45:00.000-05:00

the beginning of my story, that would be my own birth. the day the woman who carried me under her ribs birthed me and gave me to the woman who raised me. except, i don’t really think i became who i am now then.

i am not even sure if that makes sense.

i really think who i am right now sitting in this quiet house with a raw heart was birthed on a dusty road in Haiti. it would be some thirty years after my actual birth. it was then that my eyes felt wildly focused and for the first time in my life i understood the tension in my soul. the tension of the gospel of Christ, pain intertwined with beauty.

i can picture myself sitting on the floor of our terminal with newly straightened hair waiting for my turn to board the plane to Port Au Prince, Haiti. i had no clue what was going to happen there. it is like the calm beginning of an action movie when everyone still looks abnormally put together. only you have seen the trailer and know that there will be big changes. i was boarding the plane to Haiti without having seen that trailer. only a few days later i found myself in the front seat of a small pick up truck next to Troy and also Kim. Troy was talking about this, his now normal view, and also schooling us on the place of Haiti all from his drivers seat. these were a few minutes that i have recorded in my memory like one of those youtube videos. you know the ones. as soon as it’s finished you hit replay only to watch it over and then again. he said that the majority of the world lived like this. we were quickly driving by small dirt floored homes and skinny rivers with men, women, and children bathing while others were washing dishes and still others giving thirsty animals drink. all of this was happening so fast. i couldn’t hold the words long enough to fully understand. i am sure all the color dripped out of my face and although i’ve never been sucker punched my stomach felt a pain i can only contribute to such a blow. Troy was still talking now about something different. i can’t remember one other thing he said. every normal knowledge of words left me. every sense was depending on my, now in slow motion, eyes. Kim’s gaze was strangely fixed on the view outside of our shared window. so much so i did not even have to look out, i could completely see what she was seeing. i could tell she was storing every image in her mind. moments like this are so big. you almost don’t know what to do with them.

seconds before the birth of my last baby, the grand finale Parker child, i felt a moment just like the Haiti one. a sober quiet minute when you just wish you could stop time and sit for a while. you ache to remember everything that is happening. you want to savor each frame as to not forget a single movement. at the same time you feel the weight of change. maybe for a second you are scared of the change. but your body and soul have been made ready for this exact moment. the tension is in between longing for the ease of the before and the responsibility of being introduced to the new. you find yourself blinking the hot tears away as you relax and allow the moment to pass and a new life to be birthed.

that is what happened in Haiti on that hot afternoon while listening to Troy and sitting next to Kim. a new life. my new life. it’s this new life that i am still grappling. i think i always will. a constant struggle. much like a new momma, it catches my breath with adoration, but more it leaves me speechless for the duty of knowing what i know.

or who i know.

i touched her creamy dark skin as she sat and shared her dreams with me. it was under a tin roof while little children played at our feet. i want to be a doctor. i want to study in Haiti. i want to help heal these little children her eyes now looking to the little girl in the pink dress with ponytails. i hear singing coming from a closed room right off the tabernacle that we were sitting in. she hears it too. we are both quiet. both thinking. i want to ask her how she came to live here in this orphanage down a country street. instead we talk about other things like her love for the beach. she tells me about days she gets to play in the ocean. she continued on about the beach letting me know it was her favorite place. and i understand because it is my favorite too. maybe like me she feels alive with the sound of rushing waves. or maybe it is the hot sun calmed by the wind across her face that she loves. easily i am smitten with her quiet spirit and uncharacteristic mature outlook. her knowledge of the English language didn’t hurt either. as i watch her smile and laugh i remember she is just a girl still learning the mysteries of womanhood. after a time we get up and she takes me on a tour of her place. her room is like any space full of young women. it is made happy with laughter and beat music and of course dance. a lot of dance. soon i am being taught her favorite dance moves. she tells me this is what they do. they dance. they laugh. and for a little while i forget where i am. next she walks me through a dirty hallway to her bathroom. i walk in and manage to fake a smile. this sight was more than i could handle. i wanted to stand in this dirty place and wrestle with God. why. why is it that this sweet girl showers in a place like this. walls so dirty it is indescribable. my female brain only goes where another woman’s might. i think of this motherless daughter on the day of her first period here in this place. a place i could only compare to what i imagine of a man’s truck stop and ravaged toilet. i left this room quickly. i had to. before i wanted it was also time to leave her. to her i was just another visitor. i liked her. maybe she liked me.

i did not feel sorry for her. okay, maybe i did, but in the end i just felt stupid for it. she taught me that God loves her freely, abundantly even. she just may be His favorite. it is hard to try and make sense of abundance in the midst of limited things and dirty places. she loves her country, the one i was beginning to love, she was teaching me. her country, the one most people only think of only as poor, is also rich. she had more joy in her little finger than i had under all my skin. she was poor, and motherless, fatherless, yet she knew joy, true joy. she knew Jesus and for her he was enough. that is rich.

yesterday i woke up to a new day. the one i wondered about for what feels like too long. we launched the student ministry of our newborn church. we sat in a comfortable room with twenty new teenage friends. funny girls, even funnier guys, i don't know their struggle yet. i looked into their eyes and wondered what their story could be. i thought of her, my friend in Haiti. i imagined her playing on the beach with her complete smile and love that is enough. nothing more would i love to share with these students but her Jesus. Jesus who is enough. it is a new day where we find ourselves serving a new people with plenty of stuff, abundance to which i have never known. i have wondered, asked, and even wrestled as to why we would be here to serve in this place so far from what i saw. and then like another Haiti, new birth moment, i saw, i saw their need, my need, i saw Jesus who is enough. and they need to know. 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

september 30 + phone photos

2011-09-30T20:59:00.000-05:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

september 30

2011-09-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

Colt brought the mail in after school. He was talking about a letter addressed to the parents of Colton Parker, he opened it to see it was some special letter to the parents of smart kids. it peeked my interest so i walked over and noticed laying on the table another letter handwritten and addressed to me, Debra Parker. once i read the return address i knew this was no ordinary letter. before i could even form a thought my heart started beating faster. Colt was still talking something about Duke and taking the ACT and SAT as a seventh grader. even though i desperately love him and his quirky smartness, all i heard was blah, wah, wah, blah, MOM, wah, wah, wah. i grabbed my letter and looked into Colt's eyes and told him i had to go read this now. by this time all three bigs were standing under the dim light at the dinner table. something was going on and everyone wanted in on it. they knew by my reaction who the letter was from. Carly's facial expression was sweet and somber, pure even, like the first time she met Jude in the hospital. if i am honest, i imagine her face was mimicking mine in the moment. like when she met Jude, her life changed, and in the next few moments, while reading this letter, mine would too.

i spent the rest of the night pretending to do normal Thursday night things, like try to play scattergories while a toddler learns the art of fit throwing. Ronel made all of us laugh over and over with his words. the letter was J and the question was "things you fold" and R came up with JC Penny clothes. his best one was "things you do online" his reply was jacket looking. yes, of course, jacket looking is what we all do online. let me remind you he is 11 and looking for jackets online. funny guy. around the dinner table we all discussed Colt's amazing letter from our school district and Duke, we also discussed Carly's play practice schedule and R's new soccer schedule. Oh yes, I forgot to mention he was drafted to a team. i think it could be a shady deal when a parent coach sends a letter home saying he will wave fees for a Haitian soccer star to play on his team, but whatever, we are going with it.

life moves fast. my mind was moving fast. the open letter was sitting on my dresser to be read just one more time. i did read it again after the kids were in bed. and then again. then i slept with it next to me because i couldn't even wrap my mind around receiving it. it was a letter from her, the one i've been looking for, the one who carried me under her heart, my birth mom. and it was beautiful, in some ways heart wrenching, and then beautiful all again.

Cameron Hammon's voice sang God of Peace over and over to me all night long thanks to the repeat ability on itunes. and God's peace, and his knowing of me, did carry me, and is still. and my prayer is that she is being filled with that same peace as well.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

september 27

2011-09-27T19:53:00.000-05:00

last Friday i turned thirty five. i've looked in the mirror and have yet to notice any new wrinkles, but it does appear that my eyebrows have decided to gift me with more randomly placed friends. other than that, thirty five is turning out to be pretty great. after the weekend i looked at E and with complete honesty told him that i had never felt more celebrated by the people that i love. a lot was happening behind the scenes, those words i only shared with a few friends. i was scared i would feel nothing but nerves because of it, but instead i felt peaceful and loved.

today i remembered that it's been a while since i've looked at the list. it needs a little updating. maybe even a before forty revision. before forty, wow, that sounds weird. forty.

by the time i am forty Carly will be graduating high school, Colt will be close behind, R will be entering high school and Jude will be starting first grade. will i still be driving a minivan? will i have a mom hair cut by then? it is kind of fun to think about.

our new little baby church will be five whole years old.

wild. wild. wild. wild.

okay, okay, back to the list.

MY LIST.
Walk the streets of Africa.
See the beauty of India.
Keep a journal. ( a work in progress 2010)
Date my husband in NYC.
Hike a mountain. [i need to redeem the donkey ride]
Bring our child home from Haiti. February 9, 2010
Own and decorate a bungalow style home.
Join a book club.
Give a large sum of money away.
Own a Vintage bike with a banana seat.  May 09
Spend time with Carly in a dusty foreign place sharing life.
Take my family to Hawaii.
Write something. January 09  Published June 09
Physically help dig a water well.
Photos in an art exhibit.  March/April 09

Have the courage to meet my birth mom. did this in 4th grade
Have the courage to meet my birth mom (as an adult)Grow a garden and eat from it. Summer 2010
Tour the White House.
Watch Ernest live his dream.
~~Go dancing and actually dance.~~ October 2010
~~Host a sweet Etsy Shop.~~ September 2010
Go to a taping of The View with Susan Taylor. March 2010
Do a Project 365.
Spend a day at the beach alone.

three things on the list are close to being marked complete. one of those is watching E live his dream. i am literally soaking up each moment as i watch my man live in his calling after he lived and learned in the wait. i will let you guess what the other two are. my comments are still broken so you will have to guess in silence. expect to see the list with add ons coming soon.

if you don't feel excited about that just pretend, okay?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 25

2011-08-25T16:03:00.000-05:00

i wrote about a very specific napkin on the Bayou City Fellowship blog. check it here. our launch date is just a few weeks away. i am hoping to sit by 10 guests that are mine. would you like to be one of them? fun times.

my favorite thing about cooking is chopping veggies & taking instagrams of them. just so you know.

little snippets of usual life. the fried chicken so unusual, but so good.

so, i write blog posts about napkins and then randomly photograph them. send help now.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 24

2011-08-24T12:05:00.000-05:00

writing with the happiest of hearts, with a story of abundance.

i was born to a mom whom i do not know, who for whatever reason, chose to give me away. a few blocks over waves were coming and going, the waves i love, and where i still feel most peace. i can look into another face one day, the girl who feels such pain, and whisper, i know. i know. it is a gift i was given that day.

abundance.

the man who is biologically my father walks somewhere on this planet. i may never know his story, my story. from his own body i was created and yet we are strangers in a world full of people. a gift, yes. i imagine a simple day sitting on my front porch when i can look into one's face, the one who feels such pain, and whisper, i know. i know.

abundance.

i remember well the struggle with finances as a child, and still know the pull of week to week living. it takes my breath with anxious worry, and feelings of sorrow for myself, and more for them, the ones who really struggle. the ones who literally don't have enough. it is a gift. i can look into another face one day, the mom who is anxious because of little, who feels such pain, and whisper, i know. i know.

abundance.

i live in a redeemed marriage, one that a certain year many thought would not make it another day. in that day i would have traded for a different story, one that was more beautiful than mine, one that was more clean. today i know it is a gift. i can look into their faces one day, the man and wife who feels such pain, and whisper, i know. i know.

abundance.

God gives good gifts, some through sun flared beauty, my favorite, and some through pain, but make no mistake, both are abundant. our story was meant to point to His, our weakness, His strength. knowing i carry with me such rich gifts makes me want to dance, and live. it's abundance.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 16 + photos

2011-08-16T22:28:00.001-05:00

no. 1 every once in a while sharpie to skin contact is necessary.

no. 2 our church BCF helped us collect a few boxes of crayons to share.

no. 3 visiting the third ward always proves interesting, this time with literal shaved ice.

no. 4 oh, the Help, you may be my favorite movie ever.

vacation is good, but it's better when your view talks to you.

currently reading Ashley Judd's book.

yes, I just said that. i kinda feel her words.

my favorite people. all of them right there in front of me, it's good.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 16

2011-08-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

i wrote this post on July 29 for the Captivated Together blog. last night i saw that someone re posted it on facebook. i was slightly reading it, thinking, hmm, that sounds a lot like the way i write, and, after reading some more, i realized it was. fun. after re reading it i thought i would post it here.

enjoy.

the side table next to my bed is overflowing with books. i am a reader. it might be because i love words, but more it is because i love a good story. a layer deeper than that would say that i love people’s stories, true stories. the journey that each of us walk is simply intriguing to read. whether the authors are followers of Jesus or not, i can usually read in their words how, at specific times, Jesus was drawing them to Himself. i heard an interview with Lisa Ling recently where she stated that she did not know what she felt about church or Christianity, but she couldn’t help feeling very drawn to Jesus. and when i heard that statement, i smiled.

[we forget.]

i think too many days we forget. we don’t forget about Jesus. we don’t forget about His love for us. instead, we forget we are living a story, His story. our days grow dull and random. we grow tired of mundane. our favorite restaurants sound boring. we start to watch too much television or shop for nothing. we start a lot of projects or get depressed because we are not married.

simply said, we just forget who we are and what is important. we forget our story.

[a quote by Henri.]

i read this quote a while back. i like it so much i keep it in a place i can read it every single day.
“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.” ~ Henri Nouwen

we were meant to live. we were meant to love in the name of Jesus. it is our story. it is a big story.

[what about you?]

do you feel bored in your everyday? do you feel like you were made for more? yes? let’s get out and know people. i dare us to watch, even journal, how God will grow our heart to love them. i dare us to order coffee from the same barista, to check out at the same teenage girls grocery line, to invite a quiet co worker to lunch, to meet some neighbors. i dare us to listen. i dare us to love. i dare us to share. i dare us to live like Jesus.

i dare us to live our story. yes, i do.

love,

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 13

2011-08-13T08:43:00.002-05:00

i wrote this and posted it originally on July 31.
it felt so raw that i quickly moved it back to drafts.
last night i was able to voice it.
although, not very well.
this is part of my story.

i think it's funny how i started wanting to write about my story, how i felt it stirring, the good, the not good, and God in the restoration of it. it is weird that most of my past hurts or failures have been brought to my attention over and over in the last months. some days it feels like a literal wrestling with darkness. in those deep sacred moments i can only recall and voice scripture to lessen the weight of the accusations.

these days have been hard. i have begged God for mercy, to allow me to wake up free from the accuser who pursues me. some days i find myself wishing for a different journey because on a different road, a more simple one, the accuser might forget about me.

i remember what it felt like to be poor, to have very little. i remember the feeling of charity at Christmas, and the feeling of a family in shame. i also remember families who suffered more. the daughter younger than me dying of cancer. to this day, i remember the scent of her black shoulder length wig. her dad weakened by his burden to provide more than he could. the deep circles under her mama's eyes always spoke as she worked to smile. sitting in her dimly lit and dirt floored home i felt the pain of their struggle.

i remember all of this as i am being accused as unlovable and unworthy. the words that run in my mind are too ugly to write here. the hurt and pain of struggle are only known by those who have tasted of it. images scroll in my mind of the lives of others who have not known this pain. i ask God, i do, i ask even though i know the answer. i ask if the others were loved more. my accuser has a quick answer, but i know Jesus, in knowing Him, i know better.

we are often asked why we would consider moving to a place like the Third Ward. it is a place only wealthy in struggle. maybe it's because i know the answer to their question, the one that haunts them from the dark, and whispers in the quiet. i know that they are not loved less. instead, i know the value of their soul. i know because i have struggled and wrestled and asked.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 10

2011-08-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

oh, The Help. i loved this movie.

today happened to be a day that i needed to hear You is kind, You is smart, You is important. i may be the only person who ever needs to hear such things from huge movie screens. sitting in my leather theater chair, i felt honored to hear the stories of Minny and Aibileen, and also Skeeter.

one day last week i visited the hospital where i was born. i didn't expect to feel anything. except, i did. i felt a lot. it is weird to think that in the perimeter of those concrete walls i was mothered by someone i do not know today. and, today i learned that all of my life i have known her by the wrong last name. so as of now i only have a first name while i search for the woman who birthed me.

while all of this is settling in my heart and then being tested by my mind, God has been sweet to me. i can't even pinpoint every single way. okay, i could, but it would be lost in translation. we spent five days at Galveston beach. one night we, the six of us, stood hand in hand and prayed together on the beach. the wind was blowing with a calm fury and aloud we asked God to fall on us like that. it's happening.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

august 4

2011-08-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

" he sat there wanting to know love, to feel it for himself. his dark eyes looked deep into my soul begging me to know him. fat tears dripped down his cheek onto my crossed legs sitting right next to his. i looked back into those sad eyes and with my own asked him to keep looking instead of our usual breaking of contact. "

i have been busy at work, writing about life and adoption, it is the most beautiful work. i keep remembering the scripture about Jesus loving us first, before we loved him, how he loves those who choose his love and also those who do not. (1 John 4)

i have also been busy living the last days of summer, rearranging bedrooms, reading books, enjoying toddlerhood, lingering in scripture, trying to eat better, making homemade laundry detergent, and even a little browsing. (that yellow dress is from Urban Outfitters and so pretty. hello.)

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 31

2011-07-31T23:26:00.000-05:00

this little blog is getting too serious for me. i need to laugh people.

every time the six of us are in the minivan together you can assure random conversations, that is, until i ask everyone to chill out, which is translated into mom needs quiet AND now.

here was our latest memorable conversation.

Ronel: i was reading my bible today.

me: oh, really? what were you reading?

Ronel: oh, a little John, and a little Song of Solomon.

me: (looks at Ernest puzzled)

Ernest: um, did you read about deer (think: fawns)?

. . . . .

if that didn't make you laugh, maybe, just maybe this will.
we are so random.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 29

2011-07-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

my garage always has an overflowing yard sale find box. i love to find things, but the truth is, usually, they sit in the box for far too long. so, because i was tired of looking at the box and because summer is dragging a bit for the bigs, we decided to rearrange rooms. the bigs are now all sharing a bunk room and after today (hopefully) will also enjoy a hang out room. we did all of this while trading off on Jude duty. that basically means we each deserve a gold star, funny thing is, i actually found some after looking through Carly's craft box.

other than redecorating rooms, studying our credit score, planning for The Seed Project, reading books, sweating the summer away, and hanging with my favorite kids, i have enjoyed random things like a visiting woman who apparently grew up in our house. in her ten minutes here she did mention something about my bed being positioned the exact way that her mom's bed was when her mother died in it. wow and wow.

Jude is in a particularly cute stage. his smile, oh, his smile. it is pretty certain that he will grow up as that kid in our family. he just happens to be lucky enough to have a small village attend to him. i laughed because i just referred to the five older Parkers as a village. most of the time i feel like a traveling circus so village seems better, or something.

at this point, who knows what i am writing about today. this random entry will now end. you are welcome.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 20

2011-07-20T22:33:00.000-05:00

for the last weeks, maybe months, i have been up to something, well, kind of bold, for me. i started to write about my story here on these cyber pages. i called it becoming. the process of starting to write so vividly about who i was and who i am now asked me to ride deeper into my own story. it is the reason i have not continued with writing those stories out loud. i am writing them. i have just been doing it while quietly sitting alone in the sunny spot of my favorite coffee shop. sometimes i just sit there and think and then actually push myself to do something i thought i would never do.

i am looking for my birth mother.
wow. i can hardly believe i actually typed that statement for now more than only me and mine to know. i am writing it here so i will remember when i actually had the courage to make myself so very vulnerable. and then there is the slight chance that my birth mother or sibling or someone who knows me might actually read these silly pages. that would be wild. maybe it would scare me. it actually makes me laugh to even consider the scenarios.

it happens to also be that i am reading a book where the main character searches for his father. i had no clue this would be part of the book. of course. everything in our life is moving. and everything was meant for these days.

i am not sure what more i will write here about searching for her, the one who carried me under her heart. she has a story to tell. i have a story to learn. maybe one day we will have that conversation. and then, maybe not.

when i am not writing here, rest assured i am sitting under warm sun flare somewhere, organizing and stringing words together. it is the offering i have to give.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 19

2011-07-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

it's raining here in Houston. the air conditioner is making my dimly lit house feel wintery. for effect i lit every candle in the place and threw on my favorite cotton cardigan.

i am living my own fairytale.

i don't have a personal entry to write here today. instead i want to up my chances to win a pair of Sseko sandals from Uganda and also share an urgent prayer need. i love buying products from women in places like Haiti and Uganda. i really believe that empowering women in these places is a good work toward the orphan, or hopefully, the lack of orphans. i hope you understand that sentence the way i mean it. i can hardly think clearly today. my heart is so heavy today over this (will you pray with me?). sometimes the only difference we can make is through prayer. so we need to pray. other times we can also make a difference through supporting the work of women in such areas with few options. with Sseko we are buying a pair of sandals for ourselves but we are also caring for the Ugandan artists who literally make the sandals. win. win.

and hello . . .
they are super cute.

let's review.

go to the Sseko website. check out the different color straps as well as ways they can be worn.
hear a personal story about Sseko designs, and Heather's journey through caring for the poor.
pray for our friends at Real Hope for Haiti. then pray again.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 18

2011-07-18T16:40:00.000-05:00

fifteen years married deserved a road trip, a few nights at a ranch b&b, and limited reasons to argue, which could be translated we were able to eat at restaurants without the throwing of food and void the drama of toddler meltdowns. we also came away with a new found Parker truth, ranch living is good but beach living is great.

road trip to the Texas Hill Country.

we made a stop in Smithville, Texas. (think Hope Floats)

i like him. even more after fifteen married years.

this is the Hope Floats house. (there was a fence + gate in the movie)

such a sweet little town.

after Smithville we made our way to a ranch b&b.

inside.

check out the wall clock. Don't mess with Texas, oh, and the way we love our state.

Fredricksburg shopping. i loved the signage of root, beulah's, and red.

inside root.

i loved this little shop. i got lots of ideas & bought a few things at trade days to diy.

we are dorks, but we are so us, and i like that.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 13

2011-07-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

i am in the quietest place on the planet. it is lovely. a bunch of cows are my left side neighbor and mesquite trees neighbor the right side. our little cabin is called Under the Texas Stars and it is just that. Ernest is making a quick call to check on our babies. i am pretty certain it is hard to feel stress here. especially since the B&B owner made us a homemade carrot cake for our anniversary.

this day fifteen years ago i became his mrs. i am not sure many people would have bet on our young romance lasting. by grace we have. i find that fifteen years in we really know one another. although we still mess this up at times, we know what hurts each others feelings and equally pushes hot buttons. it is a good stage of husband wife.

i just heard him say good bye. so i will quickly say good bye here.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 12

2011-07-12T22:57:00.000-05:00

fear. it sucks.

i sat in my favorite spot on the couch. the warm and worn deep spot in the center of the two cushions. it is most comfortable there. probably because i have sat in the same spot for the last thirteen years. that couch could tell some stories. some i wouldn't mind for you to know. others i would run to protect. a lot of parent to kid silly banter, serious mom and dad arguments, and of course, a lot of tears. today was the day for my tears.

me and the kids toured the house in the Third Ward of Houston. it is where we want to root The Seed Project. by saying that i am also saying it is where we want to root ourselves. the house is cute. oddly, it is brand spakin' new. it has the right amount of rooms and bathrooms. it has a place for me to cook. all the important stuff is there. it is situated in one of the poorest parts of our city. the newish ABC television show Secret Millionaire even came to town and recorded an episode on it's streets.

we are moving into this area to simply love the children that walk the streets. i have heard them termed the forgotten children. i can see it all in my head. i see Carly chalking on the drive way with little giggly girls. i can see Ronel playing soccer in the vacant field across the street. i see. i see it.

still it scares me.

fear. it sucks.

i have a lot of what if fears, but more than any other one i fear being unhappy. what if i always want the beautiful house with an extra living space. what if i hate the daily work of pouring my life out for others. what if i can't hack it. what if. what if. what if. tonight I was a cry baby because i am mad at my lack of faith. and because as much as i don't want to be held to stuff i am, in fact, held to stuff. and because the truth of us taking this step means letting go and i hate that. i want to jump in with all of my heart, but truth be told, i want a safety net i can see, and well, it's not around.

so much of this has felt like the first stages of our adoption journey. if only i had written down all the things i actually feared. most would have wanted to burn me alive for fearing such horrible things. so i didn't write it down. it all melted down to i had no idea how our adoption would be. no idea at all. and that had my stomach in knots.

we knew that no matter what the child we pursued was our son. we committed to him. Ernest reminded me that in a similar way we know we are to serve the people of the Third Ward and we must commit to them. even though fear tries to cripple me. his years in bible college paid off. he counsels me well.

speaking of Ernest, tomorrow is our fifteenth wedding anniversary. in celebration he is driving me to the country for a few days. we are both praying i am peaceful and leave my tears all alone in the center of our couch.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 11

2011-07-11T18:41:00.000-05:00

little did i know that the last two posts would fill my email inbox with questions.
and also with encouragement. (thank you)

one person wrote the question that all other emails were also about. i thought i would reply here.

"I would be interested in your thoughts as to how God led and made

clear to you this new move your family is making, if you are willing to share."

this question would better be answered over coffee and with a give and take free flow of words. a lot of pauses for added thought and time to reflect on how i reply. you see this season has been years in the making. i would go as far as to say we were created for it. it has been buried in our heart and little by little it has been unearthed and exposed.

our last year of staff ministry in Abilene we felt a wild shift in the way we did ministry. it was awkward. everything felt new to us. the only way i know to describe that season is the world seemed to open up. we, for the first time, saw ministry outside (as well as inside) our church walls. it was everywhere. at this point we linked arms with other youth pastors in the city to create what we called Abilene Invasion. each of us were excited to teach our students to love others well and to serve them and to be the gospel to them. within a year the majority of the youth pastors had been set free from our positions. our vision had got too crazy for the churches we served; love God, love people. it was such a hard season to live.

we moved from Abilene to Houston. one random night we met some friends at a Hydrate Hope event in The Woodlands square. i would say that one random night opened our eyes to our responsibility to also meet the physical needs (along with the spiritual) of people. i need to admit i was mostly ignorant to that before.

then i went to Haiti. that changed everything. seriously, everything.

all this time we were receiving invitations to work on different church staffs. we became pros at packing a small suitcase and flying around to visit different works. some of them were amazing. none of them were meant for us. it was hard to say no. so very hard. we felt a strong sense that we needed to wait. it was like torture at times.

for a while, as we read books and visited churches and met great people we somehow got really discouraged. we felt sidelined. were our dreams slipping away? still we read more, studied more, and asked a lot of questions. all the pieces (and people) of our story seemed to slowly merge together. it was beautiful watching it happen. our passion for loving and serving the least of these is the heartbeat of who we are. each of us are called to something. this is what excites us. it also excites our children. our ministry is still rooted in serving students. they are the change makers. our passion is to love students, be Jesus to them, and teach them to do the same. our goal is to do all of this as we live what we teach.

not one single thing said this is the direction i want you to go. it was a journey. i guess we know because more than anything it is the passion that keeps us living and puts color in our cheeks. we know if we did not live The Seed Project we would deeply regret it. we also know if we did not do it it would be disobedience. it is just that complex and oddly equally simplistic.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 9

2011-07-09T22:37:00.000-05:00

the shaky in between of trust and fear is where i am. i have suffered the literal anxiety of it all day. i wish i had more faith or less tendency to attempt scary waters. we are working out details of the seed project. mostly the start up details, those big in our face, scary ones. especially the one that involves driving a u-haul and parking it in front of the house in the neighborhood we are called to. i have struggled with where we feel called. that last sentence is an gigantic understatement. i keep wanting God to change the place. i want it to look more safe. i want it to feel safe. i want it to have beautiful climbing trees and lush green carpet like grass. i want the neighbors to be my best friends. i want them to like me. i want them to be like me.

for a season (right now) God brought us to the place where i thought i always wanted to live. it is an upper middle class suburb of Houston. it is beautiful. it is safe. a lot of my growing up summers i would work with my dad for a few days. he is a landscaper and most of his work is in this area. i remember sitting under the same big trees, leaves twinkling, listening to the sounds of birds chirping all the while staring at the big houses and dreaming that one day one of them could be mine. it seemed like such a perfect life. especially compared to the hardship my family felt everyday.

i have talked with some of my close friends about this tension between a calling and fear. they all echo the same fears i hold very tight. my children. protecting my children. when someone hears what we are planning they usually make some sort of statement about if it were just the two of you this would be simple, but it's not just the two of you, you have kids. i think that same thing all the time. crazy enough, God knows we have kids and still this desire burns inside our collective heart.

i think that means it's go time.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 7

2011-07-07T11:03:00.000-05:00

listening to i saw what i saw by sara groves.

the six of us have lived in two dorms rooms and our adjoining bathroom for five days. my big kids are the happiest they ever are. Jude is finally adjusting to a wacky camp schedule. it helps that everyone thinks he is super cute, especially when he high fives the guys and waves bye bye to the girls. toddler boys can get some major swoons. he is in love with the attention.

last night i was sitting at the dinner table with some college staffers. one of them is leaving the traveling team after this week. it is hard to leave camp. it is hard to leave the community. the funny thing is this community is full of work and stress and sometimes arguing, but it is community. for a short time we are literally doing life together. i think that is why it hurts to leave. we were literally created for this type of living. we talk of community being small groups in our churches with great intention and hope. i am just not sure if that is what actually creates a community. i am sure it can, but doing life together, being together, loving each other even when our ugly comes out, or especially when it comes out is community.

here at camp we are also living out of suitcases with just what we need. we are not bored enough to think about shopping for more clothes or the need for a new video game. i looked around our two rooms today and as i was picking up empty water bottles and dirty socks i realized what i have always wondered about. we are happiest without all of our stuff. we are happier with simple. we are happier with people. i have to admit, i do love the time i retreat to my room and experience quiet, it charges me to be out and to be full.

i am asking God for this kind of community in our life at home. to know and to be known. . .

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

july 4

2011-07-04T22:29:00.000-05:00

i can hear three sounds right now. the sound of distant popping firecrackers are reminding me that today is July fourth. the soothing and slow rhythm of lullaby music is playing right next to me. the music is lulling Jude to sleep as i sit here and quietly type. in this same room it is the hum of an air conditioner that is soothing me. it is constant and soft like a box fan. i like it. i like all the sounds mixed together. i guess that is why i am writing it here.

we are youth camp. all six of us along with six hundred of our favorite students. E is the go to person at this particular camp. the three bigs are busy working and playing hard from early morning to late night. that basically means that i completely belong to Jude. it's a good thing we were made for each other. literally.

speaking of Jude, i am wishing i had a video of his newest dance moves. let's go ahead and picture a teeny toddler holding my iPhone much like one would hold an old school boom box. the music is LeCrae and the toddler is squatting at the knee all the while swaying on beat. with his free hand (the one not holding the ~~boom box~~ iPhone) he is making a pumping motion with a loosely closed fist. you would also want to know that his lips are tightly pressed together with a slight pout. it is enough to be very proud of. and, i am.

tonight during service i wrote the word enough down on the front page of my bible. i don't really have a lot to say about why. i guess a lot of why i wrote that down is still simmering in my mind and heart. i simply want to remember that i wrote it tonight. maybe i should date it. yes, that would be smart.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 28 + photos

2011-06-28T22:18:00.000-05:00

thank you Pinterest for schooling me on fun birthday pancakes.

both of these boys fell asleep 11 year olds, but only one woke up 12. happy birthday Colt.

the birthday dude requested a drive in movie. we aim to please.

staycation is not complete without The Astros. this is when J was still happy.

the bigs.

she is mine. all mine. oh, and when does this pucker lips in pictures stage end?

he totally rocks the super sweet and completely innocent look. love him.

our new church celebrating our first new believer. it was beautiful.

these are my people.

a few people shared simple encouragement of what life with Christ will be like.

Curtis leading us in praying for AJ's life. such a special moment.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 28

2011-06-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

this is when i write a few things down simply to celebrate the stage of my life today, and for a while to come, but at the same time moving too fast. writing it down makes me stop and sit in it and relish it even in the crazy. (the last few days have been a lot of crazy) in a few weeks E and i will celebrate 15 years of marriage. wow. in a few short months i will be thirty-five. wow. i am mom to four kids. wow. one is thirteen. wow. one is (happy birthday, Colt) twelve. wow. one is eleven. wow. one is 18 months. wow.

wow, just wow.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 24 + photos

2011-06-24T23:37:00.000-05:00

yesterday until Sunday happens to be our little staycation extravaganza. today was beach day. every last one of us love beach days. i happen be in love with days where everyone is easily entertained and happy for countable hours. i may have even finished reading my book. i feel like an award is due. the i'm a mom of four and read a whole book in five days award. please picture me taking a bow right now.

we stopped by our favorite Houston spot on our way back into the city. Discovery Green was hosting the world's largest sprinkler. indeed it was really big, but was already turned off for the day. it was still nice to just take off my flip flops and feel the soft grass under my feet. (we are in the middle of a drought in Houston so most grass is crunchy)

tomorrow morning i get to wake up early and make a celebration breakfast. Colt is turning twelve. i am thinking of making his name in pancakes or writing out the whole happy birthday colton in pancakes. how do i make lettered pancakes? i have no clue. dear pinterest, i am coming, please be ready to teach me.

love,
d

the Parker four at Galveston Beach.

my favorite photo from the day. maybe the year.

my little toddler man.

he fell asleep like this. for over an hour he snoozed and i finished blue like jazz.

all cleaned up for a trip to La King's on the Galveston strand. a must see.

Discovery Green.

this was photo take #14.

we really, really love our city.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 22 + phone photos

2011-06-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 22

2011-06-22T22:59:00.000-05:00

i have this random napkin that i think i will keep forever. it has some scribbles on it. i wrote the words. it is not a song. it is not chapters for a book i hope to one day write. it is a sort of surrender note to God.

dated on march 11 of this year the note reads:

dear God--

we are in.

whatever that means.

that night me and Ernest were talking over our chips and salsa about how we felt an urgency to say yes to God. we didn't know exactly what we were saying yes to. we just knew that on the horizon was what we have been prepared for. i would like to go as far as to say created for. writing it on a napkin was our way to make it official to ourselves, you know, in case we tried to chicken out.

tonight, once again, E and i sat talking over a basket of chips and a bowl of warm salsa. we talked about our new church plant, about the seed project, about student ministry, about our dreams, about maturity, about life one year out, we talked about God. over and over i kept remembering that silly napkin. i actually have it next to me right now. it's strange how a thin piece of paper can become something like a treasure.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 21

2011-06-21T22:40:00.001-05:00

it was on the frozen aisle of my local grocery that i picked up my new favorite, klondike bars. i overheard someone mentioning one and decided i needed to try it. maybe i am easily persuaded. i guess that's true, at least when it comes to ice cream wrapped in chocolate. later that night i took my first bite and as stupid as this sounds i fell in love with it. because of that i was so excited for the rest of the Parkers to try their very own. not one of them was as elated as i was. seriously?

i am reading this book that has been out for a lot of years. it is not new. actually, i have owned it for at least six years carrying it now to three different houses. never reading past a few chapters, that is, until now. after a day of reading i am half way through the pages. so many of the pages are now all marked up with random notes, thoughts, underscored lines and circled phrases. i get this book, so much so that i want to have a conversation with it. this is the book that you wish everyone you knew was reading at the exact same time. because if they read it they would know what you hold so deeply in your soul. you could talk about the things that only tried and true friends get into. you could disagree and agree. the only problem with being this into a book is it ends somewhat like my klondike bar experience.

anyway, i am now sitting in my bed with my mac propped on my lap. i am left thinking about this one statement i underlined on page 110 what i believe is not what i say i believe; what i believe is what i do. that is a heavy statement. so heavy that i will probably dream about it tonight, well that, and klondike bars. (laughing)

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 19

2011-06-19T20:29:00.000-05:00

the sound of a distant plane is humming in the sky above me. Jude is in the middle of the yard standing still pointing his finger to the plane in an effort to say see mom. thankfully his cuteness abounds in his puffy cheeks and dark eyes. ~~at lunch little man was an in rare form. or maybe not so rare.~~ at lunch our dude was in hyper wildman toddler form. but now, at the end of the day when all is back to calm (read: he is at home and free to be free) he reminds me to treasure this.

i want to note something simply to remember it. as scripture was read today my heart opened up and fully took it in. it felt like i was a thirsty woman being given a complete well of water all for myself.

tonight feels like the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. tonight feels like the times when you sit in a coffee shop with your friend and share how through trial and pain God has brought redemption and with it a beautiful story. in the talking your fear quickly rises. thankfully your friend will remind you to not fear, but to believe. believe, not in yourself, but in the One who wrote the story. that is when you remember believing is not for wimps. not at all. your chest fills with hope and you can almost feel your faith grow. it is wildly good. it is getting out of the boat.
it is tonight.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 16 + photos

2011-06-16T23:43:00.001-05:00

evening drives with the windows down makes me goofy smile.

i love a warm summer sky.

this is when i take a deep sigh of relief.

Jude is all about airplanes. he was in love with tonight.

and i was in love with him. actually, in love with us. all of us.

all four of the boys. they have mine and Carly's heart.

my best friend forever. (even if she wears her pajamas in public.)

my favorites. they drive me crazy, peck me to death, but still are my absolute joy.

photos like this make me fall deeper in love with Mr. Parker.

i have to remember this. i have to remember this. i have to remember this.

goodnight beautiful lights. so long beautiful night.

ronel is my photographer buddy. he bought a camera with his

birthday money. he is not pictured a lot because he stands/sits/squats

beside me and snaps away on his blue canon. i love it. it is actually how

we first bonded on my trips to Haiti. i should also note that

he has an amazing eye.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 16

2011-06-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

i really believe in dating my husband.
i also really believe in dating my family.
tonight we did just that. last minute family date to the watch airplanes land.

sometimes it's hard to remember that we are in this together instead of against one another. it takes work. it takes time. it takes peace. it takes moments. it takes presence. it takes friction. it takes laughter. there was a solid perfect moment when all the bigs were laid out across my lap. Ernest was standing in front of me with Jude standing right in front of him. Jude was holding my camera trying to take photos. he was giggling and the moment was perfect. i knew i would treasure it forever.

for a solid twenty minutes no one argued or told on another. family date nights are just a simple reminder that we do, in fact, like each other.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 15

2011-06-15T17:14:00.000-05:00

remember that part of the movie Father of the Bride where the daughter announces she is getting married? her eyes are all glittery, she is nervous, and also so excited she cannot keep her screams under control?

every once in a while, maybe once or sometimes twice a month, i get an email with the same kind of excitement. it is usually from a online friend who followed our wild adoption journey. the words are always different but the announcement the same. and, of course, i happen to always hear it in Annie's (as referenced above) excited voice.

we are adopting. we are scared out of our minds, we have no clue where the money will come from, our parents think we're crazy, but God has turned our hearts inside out for this. we are adopting. we are adopting. we are adopting. (insert a bubbly smile and a random screams)

this week i have gotten two of these. two. i am honored to be on the receiving end of those emails. the sweetest joy, really, it is.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 14 + photos

2011-06-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

my friend B got a great shot of my snotty nosed todd. thankfully Jude is secure enough for me to post this. or to young to know.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 14

2011-06-14T21:54:00.000-05:00

i'm super tired today. it might have something to do with the fact i decided on a whim to let the boys do a big painting project. those boys love projects. me, not really. i like to pretend that i'm a diy master. truth is, i really just like to research a project and then see it complete. i sort of detest the making of it. (speaking of, you can find me here on pinterest)

one day the boys will want to do a project and i will say yes and i won't have to do the work. that was not today.

in a few minutes i am going to take a hot shower then get in bed and turn my heating pad to high. that statement alone aged me, right? so much for keeping this blog young and hip. as if.

i will close with two things that i've been thinking about. one being a talk called choosing joy from crosspoint.tv. it's short and solid. two being this video from eric ludy called depraved indifference. it's the kind of disturbing that causes goosebumps. i dare you to watch it.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 13

2011-06-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

it is that time again. time for me to cook some dinner. all the little people around here expect me to prepare their food. i guess that's fair. i am mom. stay-at-home-mom at that.

i have no good reason why i started blogging more in the month of June. maybe for journaling, yes. but also for a bit of a farewell. well, maybe. i want to write more seriously. i feel inspired to write in depth about our adoption journey. more specifically how it is daily teaching me the gospel of Jesus Christ. how it is teaching me about myself, about loving, and about what life is all about. how it is the hardest thing i have ever done, how it's price (emotionally) is so high, how i never truly, until now, saw myself as this loved (meaning huge) by Jesus. it took me experiencing unconditional pure love for someone not my own to really get it. that alone is huge. really, huge.

i like to write everyday happenings here on this little computer screen. i like to think i'm funny by using stupid and sometimes overrated sarcasm. i like to think i'm cool by wearing aviators and documenting it with photos. i like leaving the option for people to read along. i don't know why. if you stop to think about the fact that i like it when people read along on these silly pages it is weird. plain and simple, weird.

i guess it's a good thing i like weird.

i am just not sure this is the place to couple random musings with the intricate story of adoption. for some, maybe. i happen to be an all in kind of girl. my writing style mimics my personality in that way.

now it's really time to cook dinner. my anthro apron is staring me down. cooking mixed with a little pandora and all this thinking will quiet down. for now.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 12 + photos

2011-06-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

i felt like i was back in Abilene at, my favorite, laPopular.

apparently, he takes his taco eating very seriously.

i also have to say, eating tacos makes ones arms look super skinny. oh baby.

random place we found after making a wrong turn. great find!

this nursery in the Heights is called Another Place In Time and was so beautiful.

this happens to be after my amazing hair cut, blow dry and straighten. i was bun free for the rest of the weekend. : )


across the street from the taco place was a random burger place. sparkle's hamburger spot. we went back to check it out. oh my word.

we ordered regular cheeseburgers (you could double or triple). we could have shared one. it was the best burger i've ever had. did you hear me? ever. (is this were i mention that we are starting a diet this week. hmm, wonder why.)

it was about right now that my camera battery died. 

thankfully the memories will not.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 12

2011-06-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

i'm smiling and rested. i can't believe we managed a last minute weekend away. it-was-so-good. at one point yesterday i looked over to E and in a quiet voice, (because i didn't have to yell over kids) i said we are going to have so much fun when we get old. and, by getting old, i really just meant when our kids are out of the house. and by saying that i really just meant that we still know how to have fun together.

truth is, we enjoy the most random things. i love that about us. like, for instance, we happened on this amazing old looking taco stand. it was around breakfast time so we pulled over and got in line. we could not stop talking about our find. we remembered it all day, and i would go as far as to say, we were even proud of ourselves. i am also still laughing about our picnic to Herman Park. it was a cupcake picnic. more importantly, a battle of the red velvets. one from Crave and one from Sprinkles. we also decided, on a whim, to stop by and check out our city's new catholic cathedral. we expected to just look around, but they were having church. we spent just short of an hour listening to their mass service. Ernest also drove me around the Houston Heights so i could drool over all the older but restored homes. it is just charming there. i imagined that cookies never burn in those homes, and by no means are people ever unhappy there. never. no way.

more than any other thing, we had the chance to talk, to laugh, and to just be. i teared up so many times. not because i was sad, but because i have been watching God do some amazing things in people's lives. in people's lives and also, in mine. when i sit back and string the God stops together i can hardly handle the wow factor.

all of those words are really just to say this was a randomly amazing weekend, and i am full.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 10

2011-06-10T15:05:00.000-05:00

it is Friday. i am heading out of town. or we could say out to town. oh, and, i am only taking my man. and, i believe we are leaving the minivan at home. wow and wow. Jude happened to stay up most of the night last night. to be safe we visited his doctor this morning. nothing wrong. it appears he just likes to play dance party around three in the a.m. awesome. at 18 months he is already a wild man. a wild man with back teeth coming in. a wild man with back teeth coming in who really hates toothache pain. okay, who in the world likes toothache pain. i know.

hello motrin. hello hyland's teething tablets. hello happy and sleepy baby.
oh, and, um HELLO weekend away.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 9

2011-06-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

my momma cannot read. she only went to school for a few years before she had to stay home and help care for the family. as a young girl she would ride in the back of a packed truck down a long road to a cotton farm. there she would pick cotton and earn a living. it's a story for sure.

my sweetest memory of my mama is early Sunday mornings. she would be in her rollers and house dress listening to her trusted Bible cassette tapes. i still remember her standing, almost posed, at the kitchen counter. she would be reading along in her old and worn Bible. what words she can now read she taught herself by following her finger along those pages. it is my heritage.

my school teachers taught me to read, but my mama taught me to value and love it.

today, i found Carly in my morning reading spot. she sat there reading her bible. the one i passed down to her. the one covered in purple duct tape. the one i fell in love with. i quietly watched. after she read she starred into the trees above her. it is exactly what i do. i think. i pray. maybe she was thinking. maybe she was praying. maybe she was dreaming about her future with JB. whatever it was it reminded me of my mama and her morning time with her cassette tapes and Jesus.

it reminded me of my heritage, and now hers.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 8 + photo

2011-06-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

every once in a while i fix it, but . . .

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 8

2011-06-08T14:14:00.003-05:00

the house formerly known as least favorite rental will now be known as the house we duct taped together. kidding. for now. oh, and if you are my neighbor, and you are reading this, don't for a second think you are grumpy old man. nope. not you. it has to be the other neighbor. unless, of course, you are the one whom the kids took Christmas cookies to. they came home super surprised after finding out there was, in fact, a mrs. all three of them came back shaking their heads in disbelief. how can it be. mom, really, how can it be?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 7 + photos

2011-06-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

hands down my favorite tortilla chips since 2006.

these two are so much alike. funny. social. wildcard. loveable. spicy.

i am in shock. this hardly ever happens. thank you, Jude, thank you.

i guess swimming made him a little tired.

men at work. and happy.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 7

2011-06-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

i really don't have a lot of summertime goals. last year we made a whole list of goals to keep us busy or to keep them happy. i think in the last year i might have aged twenty years (without one gray hair, i might add). that or i am just tired. really tired. it is time for me to suck it up and be energized. who knew having four kids was so much work. okay, okay, who didn't know.

i hope this summer is a time of refreshment. for them. for me. i am hoping to enjoy being a mom of four instead of just being tired of laundry and sassy back talk. this may sound weird, but i am hoping to kick my new refreshed mom gig off with a weekend away.

i need to remember peace and quiet. i need to think and give myself some time to dream and talk. i need some time away with my man to plan, to connect, to rest. it is strong medicine for this tired mom.

i could write all that has gone wrong in the last couple of months, but i don't want to remember that. i do want to remember this being a season of growth, of warfare, of pain, and beauty all mixed together.

these are the days i have longed for. yep, i want to remember that. these are also the days that are running by too fast. here, in this little place, is where i am catching each moment and hopefully preserving it for tomorrow.

i don't know if this actually said anything today. and, that is okay.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 6 + photos

2011-06-06T21:11:00.000-05:00

the art of making comfort food.

you just have to love this kid. i think it is impossible not to.

my little kitchen is easily overcrowded. i pretend this is fun.

Carly cooked and declared Annalee's meat cupcakes as her favorite food.

this reminds me of our year of the home school math class. simple, tasty, and effective.

a meal prepared by the teenage daughter. i could get used to this. oh yes.

during Ronel's turn at Jude duty he chose to teach water war techniques. so important for toddlers to know.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 6

2011-06-06T16:19:00.002-05:00

i am a little giddy about a gift i'm about to give. it is a gift to Carly for her thirteenth birthday. of course, she turned thirteen in January but this gift has been in the making since last November. lots of tenderness, love and care (and, hopefully some sass) went into this little keepsake. i asked a handful of my friends, whom my daughter knows and loves, to hand write in a journal for her. they would share advice, a story, a lesson learned, something, anything, to encourage her to be, well, her.

i can hardly believe this journal was lost in the mail for over a month. then, one day out of the blue, it just happened to be in the mail system again. because of that, i might do a little dance when i actually, once again, hold it in my hands. i can't wait to look at the different handwriting and smile at the thought of how this will touch my girl who is in love with words. her love for words falls just shy of her love for people. especially, these people who dared to write to her.

so one regular day, at the end of November, i sealed up a big package with a regular journal, lots of stamps and a mailing list, then dropped it at the post office. the adventure took off from there, it went to Liz in Cypress, to Reagan in San Antonio, to Jamie in Austin, to Melissa in Kemah, to Sharla in The Woodlands, and then to Angela just down my street. now at the beginning of June her amazing gift, no longer a regular journal, will be hand delivered. it has traveled, and while it has, God has prepared the reader. and, maybe even her mama.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 5 + photos

2011-06-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

i actually picked some things before our neighborhood squirrels got to them. success!

spur of the moment game time with our kids community at bayou city fellowship.

i already love all of these people. you could even call them my peeps.

because you are dying to know. . . (hear so much sarcasm)
my editing may look a bit different. my photoshop and computer no longer like one another so, as i wait for them to make up, i am using picnik. i forgot to take my camera to church tonight. thankfully, Ronel never forgets his. he has my back! the last two shots are from his canon snap and shoot.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 5

2011-06-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

just thinking.

last weekend i took part in a great conversation about money and savings with some friends. one thing i should note, i hate talking about money. maybe it's because i don't now, nor ever have, had a lot of it. our conversation happened to get on the subject of becoming millionaires. more so, how if we all save well becoming a millionaire is inevitable. waving hello, Mr. Ramsey.

although, i do follow a lot of the financial peace stuff, this part seems foreign to me. in the Christian community there are unspoken questions about how much to keep in savings, versus how much to give away, versus how much to keep for retirement. there is also an unspoken question about how to live. do we live in great big comfortable homes while we give to the poor or do we live on a smaller scale and give out of sacrifice. do we view monetary rewards as a blessing from God or a responsibility to serve well. i don't have all the answers to these questions. i will not even pretend to.

on Memorial day we were driving to Galveston with the family. once again Ernest and I were discussing this topic, now just the two of us. in the middle of our pauses and statements Colt interrupted with his need to save for an ipod touch. with birthday month comes lots of talk about birthday money and gifts. (disclaimer: i am not saying anything against having or wanting an ipod touch.)

our conversation continued as we spent an hour in completely stopped still traffic. finally, traffic moved and we saw that a small SUV had flipped on it's top. i noticed car seats and boogie boards. my heart sank.

in that second i thought out loud, what if we could give our whole sum of savings for the returned life of one of those car accident victims. what if. what if the surviving children needed a family to take them in and love them as their own. what if.

maybe we should never have more than we could easily walk away from.

i know Jesus had a lot to say about this. i make up a lot of excuses why i cannot live the way that he lived. for Jesus all gain was in the kingdom of heaven. what is it for me.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 4 + photos

2011-06-04T23:42:00.000-05:00

vegetables as art. ask me how many of these pictured i actually eat. um, six.

"mom, i didn't know we were allowed to play bumper carts in this store. that's cool and all, but could you be a little more careful?"

making it to the cash wrap could be considered a slamming success.

this is Jude protesting his afternoon nap. boo. paci, blankie, and stuffed animals were kicked to the carpet in defiance.

Ronel hates having his hair combed. hates it. he chooses to only pick the top layer and calls it done.

i forgot what Colt's eyebrows and ears looked like. i love his faux hawk choice, but i hardly recognize him. : )

i think i could hear him softly humming to himself.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 4

2011-06-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

i learned two things today.

one. the grocery shopping cart i thought was sent straight from heaven to toddler moms turned out to be straight from you know where. it may have something to do with my ability to drive it. i knocked into too many other carts to count. at one point i might have even felt tears well up in my eyes. i am only sharing this so that maybe, just maybe, you will feel sorry for me. pathetic, i know.

two. a person like me, or more specifically, me, should not wait until after 8 to eat dinner. especially after i slept past breakfast and grabbed a not so healthy early lunch. i might have been grumpy. my kids would quietly shake their heads yes. my neighborhood might have heard a little pre-dinner breakdown. i wish i were kidding. lesson learned.

Colton made a wild impromptu decision to cut his hair today. for the last four years every time we have taken him to trim his hair he protested, that is, until today. it is his birthday month so Sports Clip treated him to the mvp shampoo, cut, and hot towel massage. he liked it, every single second of it. Colt happens to have the best hair in the family. we all (okay, me and Carly) run our fingers through it and dream of what it would be like to own it.

love,
d

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 3 + date night

2011-06-03T23:08:00.000-05:00

dating my husband is one of the funnest things i get to do. i remember who i am when i am alone with him. he listens to me ~~ramble~~ talk about random things like the casey anthony trial, or even ask random questions like, do people really think anderson cooper is liberal. mostly, we share a plate of food and laugh a lot. when we hear a baby crying we look at each other and become giddy that we are cry baby free. even if it only lasts a few hours. we are going on fifteen years of married dating. i am so proud of that. (i love you ep)

love,
d

this will be comical when we are wearing our future arch support shoes.

it is time to plan our next adventure. i love going somewhere.

just a random view on our way home.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 3 + photos

2011-06-03T15:21:00.000-05:00

my friend @Jamie_Ivey wrote a great post on protecting our marriages today. go see it dreamingbigdreams.net.

first official night of summer and we broke our 2011 no fast food resolution. back on the saddle today.

he is so cute even when holding shampoo and whatever that other stuff is called.

i have so much to learn.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 3

2011-06-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

my Pandora is singing the sounds of Audrey Assad. i do love the sounds of this station mostly because they are calming to a sometimes loud home or more often a loud mind. turning on calm music tends to, well, calm a place. last weekend we had a flurry of guests over. i laughed at one point because one of my sweet friends stopped and asked me how i became so calm and if it took a lot of time to learn. truthfully, i am often described as calm. i do like that. in emergency situations it tends to be true. oh, Colt's finger tip just got smashed off, okay, let's get in the car and go to the emergency room. but let's get real, these days going to a restaurant or ordering at a drive thru or standing in my kitchen with four running circles around me leaves me feeling anything but calm. and at the moment my friend asked me i was definitely not feeling so calm. i told her so and we laughed about it together. all of that to say my calmness must have something to do with the music i listen to most. Audrey Assad, a great calming voice and beautiful storyteller.

today it was finally time to buy new product for Ronel's hair. he has used the same bottle for close to a year. should that be the case? i had to go to two different stores to find the product we were directed to buy (doo goo). a sweet couple came over last year and tried to show me how to do black hair. that was before Ronel's begging and pleading for a Mr. T mohawk, you know, the one E decided to give him without a second thought. thankfully that haircut is now just a memory. today my eleven year old Haitian son is trying to slick his hair back enough to pony tail the top. what? his second desire is a Lenny Kravitz look. i like the second better, but this white (half brown) girl has no clue how to make that happen.

yesterday i was able to finish the foreward page of my new book. i know, at this rate i will finish the whole book in the year 2017. anyway, i did manage to underline one sentence. Dr. John Perkins wrote "My concern for the poor and for social justice made many evangelicals suspect that I was theologically liberal. I never did understand those folks. I never questioned that the Bible was totally true. In fact, I really believed such passages as Matthew 25:31-46 and 1 John 3:17-18." after making a definite choice to live our life differently, and then after adopting, many of our more conservative friends have put us in the liberal box. (some say it's because i follow @andersoncooper on twitter.) i have often found that interesting and confusing. so i completely understood Dr. Perkins statement. more and more i find myself just wishing for Heaven. the place where all is made right. my mind cannot even wrap around the wholeness of what it will be like to be there. no more pain or sorrow, only beauty. now that is calming.

love,
d

i have been asked about the silly not being able to comment thing. in trying to fix something else in my blog's html code, i broke my comments. at this point, i have no clue how to fix it. if you have something you would really like to say feel free to email me at ernest.debra@gmail.com or tweet me @debraparker. sorry for the confusion.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 2 + photos

2011-06-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

happy summer to me. Carly got up with Jude. i slept in. (table art by: Carly)

add a soundtrack of birds chirping to the sound of this sprinkler and you find my morning happy place.

the Parker kids are so cool in their goggles. at least, that is what i tell them.


most of us Christians say we could give up Starbucks drinks and give more to the poor. i look like a hypocrite with these two pictured together. forgive me. : )

june 2

2011-06-02T16:39:00.001-05:00

being that it is the first official day of summer break, i took all the kids out to eat at a restaurant. the kind of place that does not specialize in plastic forks and spoons. Jude decided to lick salsa out of his cupped hands. our table neighbors thought that was especially cute. the freedom of being a toddler is glorious. who else can pass gas then flash a cheesy grin and still be known as lovable? if you are picturing your thirty something husband, no, no, no. (laughing.)

summer has brought with it the hot topic of bikinis and newly crowned teenage girls. okay, really, my newly crowned teenage girl. for months we have talked about swimsuits and modesty. actually Carly and i (and her daddy) have talked modesty for as long as i can remember. i know i have the power to make her choose a certain kind of swimsuit. i also know that i don't have the power to make her heart pure inside of it. i want that above all. i have decided to be brave and allow her to choose her swimwear. i have taught her well. she knows truth. she knows about what boys think and how their minds work. she knows with her body she carries responsibility. in allowing her to choose this and step back (a little) i feel i am creating space for her to listen to God and not just me. ouch. that is hard to type. for her to listen and discern from God is my ultimate goal, right? i have been her source of all things holy and God for a long time. i will always be a source for her, but i know better than to try and be the source. that is a lot of thinking for lighthearted swimsuit shopping.

i grabbed a new book today. when people tell me they are heading on a mission trip i always tell them to read this book first. i guess that is funny because, well, i have yet to read it. (i trust and respect a lot of people who recommend it.) When Helping Hurts is now in my hands. E and i have felt the need to read this before we make a final decision on where to live in the city. it is one of those books i am a little afraid to read. i am scared of what it is going to teach me, or challenge in me, or, here we go, ask me to change. to this day the one book that has challenged my thinking the most is The Irresistible Revolution. (disclaimer: other than the bible, of course.) i have a lot of other titles that sit right under that one, but that one is holding strong.

Jude is napping and the bigs are splashing at the community pool. that said, i need to grab my non sweet shaken black tea and my new book and find a shady spot in the backyard.

love,
d

2011-06-01T21:20:00.000-05:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

june 1 + photos

2011-06-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

this is his "i'm super happy" face. no really, it is.

my little backyard garden where i pretend to grow stuff.

out of school for thirty minutes and already feeling free.

dear tomatoes, i am counting on you to turn red and let me eat you. pretty please.

he sat like this for 10 whole minutes. thank you kiddie pool. you are my bff.

june 1

2011-06-01T11:46:00.002-05:00

i almost lost it and cried twice during Ronel's last day of fourth grade award ceremony this morning. i have no photos because our minivan is in the shop along with my trusty stroller. the few moms that can take photos and hold a toddler i highly esteem.

anyway, i drove the four blocks to our community elementary school only to realize that i forgot Jude's shoes. it was too late to go back and get them. i threw my sunglasses on and decided to be a big girl with my barefooted baby. honestly, i prefer bare feet, but i was scared i would further be labeled that mom. the one that forgot her infant at the concession line, the one who everyone excuses from bringing brownies, the one who always wears that funky hat. that mom. (please hear me laughing.)

i made my way to the classroom. finding a seat in the back, i nestled Jude onto my lap and took a deep breath. of course, i did the usual look around to check out the other moms in the room. that is when i noticed another barefooted toddler. i fought tears. that may be silly. in my head i thanked God that i was not the only that mom.

so that was all about me. the rest is all about Ronel or Jude or both.

after each award the room of mamas and toddlers erupted with claps. Jude loves clapping so he was content. score. as Ronel stood up and received an award for perfect attendance Jude came close to jumping out of my lap with a little hooping and a lot of clapping. Jude loves Ronel. today in a room full of people, Jude made a big scene to show his love for his brother. and Ronel loved it. i fought tears, again. it is moments like this that make the hard difficult moments weigh less.

Ronel also won the best athlete award. if you have played any sport with him you would know this to be true. he happens to be a natural. and i happen to be proud.

love,
d

this is the when I write about random things.

2011-05-26T22:57:00.000-05:00

after today I can pick out a pileated woodpecker from a line up of all the other kinds. the truth overwhelms you, i am sure. it just so happens that I sat and watched one in my backyard this morning. the size of this bird intrigued me so much that I had to do a little online research. (I really wanted to say online detective work, but I refrained.) I kept telling E that the bird was the size of my arm. I am not sure he believed me until he saw the photo. Oh, and also because I made him look at the proof I found online.

this is the part of the post that you are probably wishing you were as cool as me. right?

I knew you would want to see this amazing creature so I took a picture of Mr. P. Woodpecker just for you. I can't believe I am still talking about a bird so I am going to actually show the picture and shut it on this topic.

in non bird news, I did a pretty raw video post for the Captivated Together blog last week. in it I talked about God being the absolute that ~~our~~ my heart is longing for. I also mentioned something about longing for a new paint color and how that new color did not fulfill whatever I was trying to fill with it. that was a wordy sentence, I know. today, once again, I stood at the paint counter at my neighborhood Lowe's thinking about those statements and laughing at myself. in case you are wondering, I bought a mustard yellow color to up cycle some old dressers.

someone a while back asked about our daily routine around the Parker house. I do plan to do that blog post soon. today I am just going to say that my morning friends (besides Jude, of course) are Tammie Head and Jen Hatmaker. each of the books (click on their name to see the book) are pulling me closer to Jesus, reminding me of my value in Him alone, and teaching me to be a better mama. I mean, listen to this...

As mothers, many of us love our children exactly like we "love" ourselves: critically.

The standard of perfection by which we measure our own performance

is automatically used on our kids.

ouch. and, ouch. we have to do the hard thing and find our value in Christ and be free in it, get this, so our children will find their value in Christ and be free. loving ourselves without a critical view point. loving ourselves the way He loves us. my mind can hardly wrap around the thought. wow.

I picked up two shirts for E at the dry cleaner today. it was the first time I have ever got anything dry cleaned. after almost 15 years of marriage I felt like a giddy newlywed wife. who knew dry cleaning could create such feelings. I should stop and tell you I just laughed at myself while sitting in a room all by myself. in other words, it is time for me to exit this most random post.

read this and tell me your thoughts.

2011-05-25T12:12:00.001-05:00

“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.” ~ Henri Nouwen

what thoughts does this stir up in you?
have you read any books this reminds you of?

click above to comment.

instagram picture taking.

2011-05-24T15:36:00.002-05:00

thank you instagram for helping me capture

life's fast moments.

thank you inkstagram for helping me follow my

friends fast moments.

my instagram two cents: I shoot a photo with my camera app on my iPhone. Most of the time I take about 10 to find the right one. Keeping it real, folks, ha! After I have a good photo, I open the instagram app and tap the share button. Once the camera screen comes up I tap the pic of photos on the bottom left corner. I pick the photo I want and then follow the simple instagram prompts. fun and super easy! best thing about instagram, it's FREE. I know, amazing.

(PSA: I do love ALL of my kids Jude just happens to be by my side ALL the time and that will usually involve more photos. In case you were, you know, wondering...)

when you look over during worship at church and you see your baby doing this your heart melts. it's true, so take a picture.


when your house looks & feels really peaceful you need to take a picture. for real, people.

oh, yes, when your family is together and everyone is happy... take a picture. yes, please.

when you decide to have movie night with your city... you know what's coming... take a picture.

when you could care less about the movie, but instead fall in love with your city, take a picture!

when you meet up with a group of friends and NO children to celebrate a NEW child. Yep, take a pic!

when your busy toddler finds the cutest place in your home to hide, please, pretty please, take a picture!

when you are praying and begging God for something and then you see this... take a picture...

when you say "who cares" to the laundry and choose to play instead... take a picture. oh yes!

when little toes are all clean and still, sneak your phone up and take a picture.

when you feel so inspired by something you see... take a picture.

when your home becomes the city park, take a picture to remember the fun banter.

when you choose glass bottled coke and avocado for lunch, please, oh please, take a picture.

when your toddler eats his daddy's jalapeno pringles like candy please.... take a picture. his dad will enjoy it.

Happy Tuesday, friends.
Are you on instagram? What are your favorite photo apps?

A new chapter.

2011-05-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

I know this blog has gotten really quiet.
like, is that the sound of crickets I hear?

If you know me as a blog writer well enough you know that I must be thinking a lot. I tend to not write publicly when my heart is heavy. Over time I have learned those tend to be the posts I wish I never published. Anyone else do that?

Just so you know, I am about to be boastful for at least one sentence. Maybe two. Got it? If you walked into my back yard you might wished you lived here. It is because I am growing an amazing garden. I try every year. I managed to do it successfully once 8 years ago. Awesome, right? Something is magical about dirt and seeds and sun and sprinklers. I have no idea how it happens but when all those ingredients are combined I become very peaceful. It's true, really. Each year I plant tomato seeds, lettuce seeds, garden beans, cilantro seeds. I also usually buy some amazing bush that I kill before the summer is up. Except, the last three summers we have watered and tended to the same blackberry bush, and I have also prayed for my one hydrangea plant to not die. Neither have been really successful, that is, until now. And, because of their now amazingness, I can usually be found in silly delight as I stand staring at them. About this point you might be thinking, Debra, you are lame. Well you are wrong. My friend Kristen sent me the best email last night. In caps it read YOU ARE NOT LAME. um, completely Awesome. I could have kissed Kristen after I read it.

Oddly enough my garden is mirroring my own real life. I know that probably sounds weird. (Remember, I AM NOT LAME) For a long while we have felt time stand still as we had to wait on the plan God was writing for our life. Literally our life was being turned inside out and each desire examined. Then, as you know, adoption entered our world. From that moment on every single thing shifted to striving to live with purpose for others. I know that sentence was easy to type, but so not easy to live. It felt like we were that stupid blackberry bush, being watered daily, tended to, and nothing. And then all of a sudden. . .

Our family is so excited to be part of a God story. A new chapter in our life. One that does not have the end written yet. Actually, one that just has a few intro paragraphs and a lot of vision. It is two fold for us. We are working hard to start up a ministry we call The Seed Project. Our family along with some interns will live in close community with each other with the goal of serving our neighbors. Our vision is to be the church to a disadvantaged area. Our heartbeat is to love the children, most of whom are a fatherless generation. A lot of Saturdays you can find all 6 Parkers huddled in our Mazda van driving the streets of Houston as we try to discern our place to serve. The second part of our journey knocked my socks off. Together with an amazing group of people we are in the throws of planting a church. Our friends Curt and Amanda invited us to be on the core team for Bayou City Fellowship. Through so many intricate (and probably boring to you) ways God knitted our stories together for such a time as this. (Amanda shared about it here)

It is an exciting time, but if I am being honest, it is equally scary. Our faith is being tested every single day. In case you are wondering, we are not always doing kart wheels down our suburban street. Actually, a lot of days we are fighting discouragement and fear. This is the part of the blog post where I get really serious and let you know that I would love for you to pray for us, the Seed Project, Bayou City Fellowship, and the Core Team. ~~Oh, and my tomato plants. No. Never mind.~~ Our goal in life and in ministry is to try to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Simply pray that we would follow well and love well.

I feel like I should end this with something light or funny or a little sarcastic, but I've got nothing. Oh, wait, how about this. . . YOU ARE NOT LAME. Hands down, my favorite email EVER.

Love,
D.

Me and Amanda (and the littles) at our first BCF Core Team meeting

Easter 2011.

2011-05-04T15:43:00.000-05:00

We celebrated Easter with E's parents. The kids love visiting their church and listening to Papa preach. They also love eating a lunch prepared by Nana. Good food and endless amounts of canned soda make them so happy.

Not pictured are all of our family talks about Jesus and resurrection. This year the kids really understood the price that was paid for them. It hurt. Some even shed tears. My heart broke when I saw their little hearts breaking with pain. We decided to let them watch The Passion of the Christ. Our house was quiet and sober on that day. Then came Easter and the rejoicing was true and felt. It was more than eggs and food. It was gratitude.

This is our ministry to teach these about Jesus.
This is our ministry to teach these to love Jesus.
This is our ministry to teach these to love others well.
I don't want to miss this.

Ronel had a birthday. Here is happy evidence.

2011-05-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

The truth is I am not a fan of throwing children's birthday parties. No matter how much prep work I do I always end up stressed. Maybe one day I will master the skill of being as laid back as I pretend to be. ~~Joking. Sort of.~~

Ronel decided he would like to invite his whole class to the party. Being the little popular guy he is most attended. I think we counted something like 40 people including parents. Wow. He had such a great time. He truly does have a great support circle. He might also have some rich friends. One girl put FORTY bucks in his card. Hello!

The day before the party we all loaded in the van and headed to Target and the Dollar Tree. Ronel LOVED picking out his birthday party supplies. He found a soccer cake set and was so excited about it that Carly offered to make a cake to put underneath it. I might have even loved her a little more for taking that responsibility.

Even though I am no genius party planner, I do love watching my kids enjoy their special day. I would jump through burning hoops to make them happy. Even if not that visual could give us all a good laugh.

I was interviewed.

2011-04-28T16:24:00.000-05:00

i forgot to share this interview with all of you.
click over to sweet Erin's blog to read it.

severe.writers.block

2011-04-18T14:07:00.001-05:00

what is the cure?

Becoming post stuff & a random question.

2011-04-04T11:23:00.000-05:00

Monday's "becoming" post will be postponed. My computer is currently at the Apple hospital. I will write when she returns.

Until then, I have a random question for you.
If you could go anywhere in the world for your 15th wedding anniversary, where would it be?

(sent from my iPhone)

becoming: seen.

2011-03-28T17:07:00.000-05:00

chapter TWO of SIX.

even though i used my favorite pink nail polish to scratch it out of my yearbook, i will never forget the photo. it was second grade. i wore a light blue peasant dress. my nose was an awkward size of large and it covered most of my petite face. and second to it was my smile that made huge dimples in my cheeks and sometimes made my eyes disappear. my hair was cut just under my ear lobes and laid limp on either side of my face. it almost appears as if i tried my hand at using my dad's trusty tres flores hair oil. if it works for him, it should work for me, right?

considering i owned a laminated pass that read Debra to Nurse, i can only imagine second grade in Mr. Johnson's classroom must not have been easy. daily life was Danny Cannon sitting on a little wooden stool reading skinny bones to the class, getting my first love note, and falling in love with the hippy music teacher's sense of style.

even though i smiled outrageously big and still remember most things with happy bits of sun flare, second grade is where i felt an unexplainable hurt and extreme loneliness. Debra to Nurse. i went almost every day. so much so that i remember the awkward and detailed skeleton/body posters in the nurses office.

SEEN.

the day i met Ronel he was the same age as the Debra to Nurse me. for as long as i live i will never forget first laying my eyes on him. he was dirty from a long morning of playing soccer, kicking sticks, and doing boy things. i quietly begged God for a way to make this boy my own. like an immediate hunger i fell in love with him. that simple day in Haiti i saw the boy i would long for, fight for, and love.

before traveling to Haiti i was struggling. i boldly asked God to show me his love for me. i never would have imagined he would start with redeeming the lonely second grade, Debra to Nurse, girl. like a whisper in my heart, i felt God saying,

"like you see this little boy and fully love him, i saw

you and fully loved you."

chapter ONE of SIX here.

And then we had Spring Break...

2011-03-22T21:02:00.001-05:00

It is officially SPRING in Houston.

Last week was Spring Break which meant I played the part of funnest mom on the planet. Alright, truth is, I just needed an excuse to be out of the house. I was feeling ~~massively~~ a little stir crazy.

Because I was working hard to remember pacifiers and then backup pacifiers, I forgot my camera. Boo. Then I had to remind myself funnest moms on the planet are laid back and don't worry about forgetting things like cameras. Right?!

If I had remembered my camera this is what you would have seen . . .

From the Houston Zoo:
Ronel's shocked face as we saw the largest snake in the zoo. The $4 cup of root beer that the kids decided to throw in the trash because they didn't want to carry it anymore. Sitting front row at the Sea Lion show. Colt's smiling face when he "gave up" what he wanted to do for something Carly wanted.

(side note: never, ever go to the zoo on Spring Break. can we say CRAZY?!)

From the movie Mars Needs Moms:
The largest tub of popcorn I have ever seen. Jude sitting still and LOVING the movie. Colt and Ronel laughing together during the funny parts. Me trying to wipe my tears during the sad/touching parts. Carly holding Jude like a momma holds her baby.

From Galveston Beach:
Jude eating sand by the spoon full. Jellyfish lining the shore. Ronel flying his kite above the San Luis. Meeting up with friends. Me successfully parallel parking.

From Downtown Houston & Discovery Green:
The kids enjoying their two turn limit in each set of revolving doors. Houston Opera on the Go performing Romeo & Juliet. The boys (including Jude) playing football.

From Lake Houston State Park (Camping):
I actually did get a few phone photos from our camping adventures.

Supermoon sighting from my air mattress and open air tent.

adventuring down the creek.

Jude collecting rocks.

peaceful settings.

and, of course, roasting hot dogs and making smores!

Considering I laughed for more minutes that I waited for parking spots, I declare it a good week. Now I need to tackle the piles of laundry and take a few naps. Being funnest mom on the planet is hard work!

(I took an unexpected two week vacay from writing becoming posts. I am back at work so expect to see a new one on Monday.)

have sex with your husband . . .

2011-03-15T09:05:00.002-05:00

I just kissed my husband good bye for the day. It is Spring Break over here so the bigs are all still sleeping. It's now just me and Jude sitting at the breakfast table. He is telling me all about his latest dream while I am checking out his leftover bruise from yesterdays attempt to climb on the outdoor furniture. I should probably add that I am feeding him Raisin Bran in an attempt to side step his love for bananas.

I did not get on the blog to share any of the above information. Let's just say that was me saying "Good Morning." Instead, this is what I wanted to share...

You want to be the Mom of your kids' dreams? Want to give them security, health, stability, and happiness? Love your husband. Love him so much it's almost embarrassing. Kiss him, hug him, talk about him to your kids like your heart would expire without him. Refuse to let issues fester until you blow like Mount Vesuvius and char everyone. Have sex with him (this alone would solve most of his problems). Tell your children their daddy is a hero and they're the luckiest kids to belong to him. Be his fan. The best gift for your kids is parents who are crazy for each other. (Did I mention have sex with him?) Love each other well, and your house will stand, sweet friend.

That is a quote from Jen Hatmaker's Out of the Spin Cycle. I read it this morning and thought it was worth sharing. It is SO TRUE.

Our marriage is in a sweet place right now. We have been challenging each other to pray and read our bibles at the same place and same time in the morning before the crew is up. It is a beautiful way to connect even though we are not talking to each other. Not only does it hold us accountable to be in The Word, but it allows us to see the other one start the day in a posture of praise. And, in complete seriousness, it also makes me even more attracted to my man. For real. Who ever thought bible reading could light a fire under and already good marriage. um, God?

This week I also watched this video from Pete and Brandi Wilson. Click here to view the blog post & video. I laughed out loud because I could relate so much. It made me want to make a video about our pre marital expectations.

It is now 8:56 and it appears (read: the nasty smell says) it is time to change a dirty diaper. I guess the Raisin Bran did it's job.

Tuesday Question:
Do you and your man make out in front of your kids? Gross or not gross.

Monday Things.

2011-03-14T15:18:00.001-05:00

Hello People.

How is your Monday?

I do not have a Becoming Post today. You could call it an epic fail on my side. Or whatever.

I spent Friday night and all of Saturday sitting on a couch in Conroe talking to these women. We seemed to air our dirty laundry, funny stories, and most embarrassing moments. We might have even spent an hour (or more) talking about poop. Needless to say, we went deep. After a few of the girls read my first becoming posts, they were curious for me to share more of the story with them. In a strange way, it was good for my soul.

After church on Sunday, the six of us drove around town. Are we the only family that likes to do that? We tried to remember when we started doing these random drives and only came to the conclusion that it has been always. It might have something to do with being able to restrain all the kids in seat belts. Um, yes. And car rides seem to make everyone happy. Yesterday we even happened upon a parade. We were one of two cars watching. The parade had three floats. My kids scored lots of candy that I am now hiding. E pumped up the parade to the kids and asked them to cheer like it was the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. I laughed and enjoyed my random life. However, It was kind of sad that the parade was called The Togetherness Parade.

can you see what's different?

2011-03-10T15:22:00.001-06:00

i absolutely adore my little guy.

do you want some proof?

all of this mess is pure joy to me!

it means i have a little wild and equally sweet faced boy todding around.

some days this alone could put me in a bad mood.

life is too short for that, right?

when editing these photos, i realized

they could be in a where's waldo book.

i loved playing those games as a kid. did you?

if you feel like playing, comment all the random things you "see."

HINT: there is something different in these photos.

i am wondering *if* any of you will notice.

happy Thursday!

love, D.

I love how Jude already knows my rule of decorating with THREE random things. : )

funny that i can photograph "above" the mess and appear so put together.

so, thanks for chatting.
i "get" to go change a stinky diaper now.

Update on JUDE "the screamer"

2011-03-08T21:07:00.002-06:00

My screamer has calmed down.
It seems his teeth were making him EXTRA ~~crazy~~ intense.
We are back to a normal level of shrieking screams. Um, yes!

Now...

Since you guys are so good at schooling me
on all things...
Tell me your best skincare tips.

do you blog?

2011-03-08T14:29:00.002-06:00

do you blog?

why?

yes, please share.

Perfect Little Tables

2011-03-06T23:29:00.001-06:00

Chapter ONE of SIX

With a bible tucked into my hand, and a twinge of butterflies in my stomach, I sat on the lonely stool in the front of the chapel.

"Hello, Friends."

For the next 30 minutes I looked into the eyes of young women and shared my own unique story. It is the one single story God had been teaching me for years.

(You are probably thinking, "slow learner?" Go ahead and think it, it's true.)

There in the dimly lit, mosaic covered chapel, I felt the weight of a full circle experience. The only way I can describe the weighty feeling is by comparing it to a woman soon after the birth of her first baby. For months she has felt her child growing inside her very own body. The time of feeling little kicks and hiccups is suddenly over. The time of her body being morphed into something unrecognizable is slowing. The baby she secretly wondered if she would ever meet is now resting in her arms.

In the same way, God grew a story deep inside my body, and after a certain time it was grown and birthed. Now, it is held gently and presented for all to see what God has made.

As a young ministers wife, I would often meet with high school girls at coffee shops. Across perfect little tables, our talks were always the same. They would bare their insecure hearts and I would share how God intricately loves them and how he sent Jesus for their rescue. I believed it. I lived it. I breathed it.

Until.

Until every dream I had for my twenty something life had been crushed. Much like the girls I had the honor to serve, I felt left, hurt, and forgotten. I never expected to know feelings like this.

I was scared God had left me.

I was the teacher. I was not suppose to have a faith struggle -- but I did.

After watching a segment on the Today Show about the book He's Just Not That Into You, I was sure that Jesus was no longer interested in me. In fact, He might even hate me. It was such a dark season. A struggle between what I knew about God (that He is love and that He loved me) and what I felt (that He left me in the dust) were in an all out war.

"Dear God, please show me your love."

Because I could not handle his rejection, I prayed with every ounce of desperation I had for him to show me His love. Basically, I needed to be reminded, or taught, what I had been teaching about Him all along. I risked everything on this prayer.

If God did not come through on this then everything I based my faith on was dead.

When I said yes to adoption, I never thought God would use the journey to teach me about the love I so desperately wanted for myself. I thought it would be a story of love and rescue from me to one little Haitian man child. God intended that, yes. Yet, there in the unknown, God was also writing a story of rescue for me.

Chapter two Coming.

Faith struggles, Have you ever battled one?

Heavy Influences:
The Bible
Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne
He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Anna's Story by Jenna Bush
The Stand by Hillsong United
Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

(My new favorite author, Jen Hatmaker, cites the "heavy influences" after some chapters in her book Interrupted. I loved that idea so much that I am choosing to do the same.)

what do cute toddler pics & poison control have in common?

2011-03-03T21:22:00.001-06:00

you know those nights when you are so tired that everything makes you want to cry? we are not talking about the sappy + happy cry. more like the i have gained too many pounds, or my skin looks gross, or i want cake and there is no cake in this house, kind of cry.

yeah, i am not having one of those nights.

in the last few days Jude has introduced me to his wild side. in case you are researching, one year old risk takers do things like taste testing their teenage sisters disposable razors, and also their tween bros deodorant stick. the fact that Jude ate an 11 year old boys used deodorant is sick on more than five levels. agree? after that shenanigan i was able to add another tally mark under the times i have called poison control section in my journal.

it's true, Jude has me praying a little more these days, especially after watching too many Charlie Sheen interviews. however, i find myself thankful for his mastered trickery. you see, just when i think i could loose the last bits of my mind, he twinkles his eyes and flashes a muuaah my way.

he's good. so very good.

so, tonight i am reaching out to fellow moms of toddlers. after having only older kids for so many years, my mommy skills need some sharpening. tell me, what do i do about the random screaming simply because he wants something. i promise it shocks me every-single-time. feel free to school me on your best toddler tips. i will love you more because of it.

Interrupted.

2011-02-28T23:36:00.002-06:00

i am reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker. it is so good that i keep quoting lines to E. some chapters are like writings i have thought through in my own handwritten journal. Jen talks about reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne and how it made her ask a lot of questions. the same book is what made us question our own life and wrecked us into a new phase of ministry.

anyone else read this? thoughts?

curious...
what is on your reading list? (fiction & non fiction)

teal.

2011-02-28T14:31:00.000-06:00

in a little store in Humble, Texas, i found an empty corner and sat cross legged for hours looking through and testing bibles. how long would it take to choose just one? that day, and in that Christian book store, i was at a crossroads of my faith. it was my junior year in high school which means i had curly hair well past my waist line, and a size zero waist hidden by all that hair. without a clue of how to choose a bible, i held each leather book in my hands to see if it felt right. after creating a no pile, that was basically a bunch of the black stiff kind, i opened one perfectly fitted cardboard box to find a teal leather bible with shiny silver page edges. in my hands it was soft and bent perfectly, it was the one.

standing at the cash wrap, high from

inhaling the new leather smell,

i was full with all sorts of expectations

of my new bible, and my now, new self.

that day and that bible were fresh wind

to my soul.

yesterday we loaded the van with every Parker to take a drive around our city. we landed in the fifth ward, which is known for it's ethnicity, striking poverty, and sometimes crime. while driving we noticed an elementary school with large bold words painted in white onto a teal back board. Justice. Commitment. Trust. Self Esteem. these words and others were painted all along the outside hallways. i thought it a stunning reminder of God's love for all the beautiful children who are learning in this school. then, i saw the school marquee, i had to get out and take a picture. it said something i have never seen on another school sign. here in the lowest place in the city a sign for all to see reads, "only love is spoken here."

because i know God is love. i know He is spoken there.

i could have stood there forever just staring at those words. i could learn so much from this little elementary school in the hood. on this street corner, in this little forgotten place, i felt the tension of a crossroad in my faith. my family was still waiting in the van, and people were driving by almost breaking their necks, wondering why i was taking pictures of old signs. it was time to go.

finally, turning around to leave, i see little words painted on the light post.

believe in Jesus Christ. be live.

standing at the curb, high from seeing the

writing on the wall, i was full with all sorts of

understanding of God's love for his own,

and my now, growing love for them too.

that day and that sign were fresh wind

to my soul.

so, tell me, what is "fresh wind" to you today?

(check out other Monday "becoming" posts here)

this is how my morning went...

2011-02-23T11:39:00.000-06:00

this morning when i put my bathrobe on i noticed the side of it was wet. what? i looked at E who was still in a groggy morning state. "did you use my robe as a wash cloth?" his smirk said "yes." note to self: find a new spot for bath robe. hanging next to sink may not be a good idea.

a few minutes later i opened the door to J's room. what is usually a sweet moment in my day turned into the trying not to gag from the nasty smell moment of my day. apparently through the long hours of the night J had been "going." ni-ce!

after changing J's diaper i walk out to the hallway. this is when i see Carly walking down the hall headed for the kitchen. it is also when i realized that she wore a mini tiara while she slept. my only response, "you are not wearing that to school."

it is 7am. i put J down onto the living room floor. immediately he clings to his baby blue blanket and his paci. i turn on the Today Show and realize Matt and Meredith are not hosting today. about that second Ronel makes his way into the room wearing his ripped up jeans. i make a mental note to buy more jeans.

a near melt down starts over the lack of clean socks. Colt comes to show me the one pair left clean has two holes in the bottom. without any other options he wears the socks with two holes to school. i am just thankful the holes are in his socks and not his underwear. because that is better, right? at least, that is what i am telling myself.

chaos, yes...
i wouldn't have it any other way.

I am wearing a red bracelet. I am guessing you want one too. . .

2011-02-22T16:17:00.001-06:00

i just googled wearing red bracelets and found a few reasons why some people are wearing them.

one reason i found is about women and having a period. for real. in Norway some women are now wearing red bracelets during their period. really? after briefly reading i found out that bosses were getting upset with woman workers for going to the bathroom too much, uh huh, because of this women are being made to wear a red string around their wrist for free passes to the restroom.
i say, strange.

you may also see someone with an eating disorder wearing a red bracelet on their left wrist. it is sometimes worn as a secret code and also a way of connection with fellow sufferers.

then, of course, you have the Kabbalah red bracelet. In Kabbalah the red string has the power of protection and is an antidote to the negative effects of the dreaded Evil Eye. you have probably seen many famous people wearing a red wrist string for this reason.

none of those reasons is the reason i am now wearing a red bracelet.

have you heard of Harbor House? it is a ministry of Heartline in Haiti serving teen moms and their babies. i am all about orphan care and mommy care. this ministry is really tackling the orphan care crisis from the first stage. don't just take my word for it. subscribe to Tara's blog (she is leading this ministry) and Heather's blog for stories and updates. Heartline ministries is empowering teen moms with the tools they need to parent. it-is-so-smart! what would be more smart is for us to serve this ministry with our prayer support.

photo credit: Joanna Howard // the first Harbor House moms

last night at Captivated Together we presented the Harbor House ministry to the group. just like we thought they would, each of them fell in love with these teens and their babies. in honor of the moms we are wearing red bracelets to remember to pray for them, to serve them, and to give to them. so many days i read Tara's blog or Heather's blog and walk away jealous of the way they get to minister to these beautiful girls. (just keeping it real) it is so stupid of me to spend a minute being jealous when i could spend that minute doing something. duh.

after contemplating it for two seconds it dawned on me that maybe you, my blog girls, would like to join me and our Captivated Together friends in wearing a red bracelet to remember the Harbor House moms.

i mean, you want to right?

here is what you need to do to be an official red bracelet wearer. 1. subscribe to both Tara's blog and Heather's blog for updates on the moms. 2. take a tour around the Heartline website and become familiar with this ministry. 3. most importantly read about the girls and as you connect with one of them or all of them PRAY for them and their babies. 4. grab some red string and tie it around your wrist to help you remember to pray and also as a tool to share the story of Harbor House. 5. last but not least comment and commit to serving these new Haitian friends with your prayers.

i probably left out some vital information. it would be just like me. with that said, if you have questions feel free to leave them in the comment section. i will either reply back to the comment or update this post with what you need to know.

becoming: puzzle pieces

2011-02-21T07:00:00.003-06:00

when i got the news of Ronel and Ernest making a flight finally headed toward Houston i felt an emotional awareness of his first mom. my mind is constantly flooded with a mixture of words, phrases, and pictures. this particular moment i felt as if the presence of Ronel’s mom was literally with me. in some direct fashion our inmost spirits were now connected. i sensed her intent eyes watching her son’s story unfold. within myself i also felt her deep love for him coupled with a strong longing to be with him. it is the kind of love only a momma has for her children. it was beautiful and painful. the next few hours were spent rejoicing that our desired boy was coming home but also inwardly grieving over the lost relationship of Ronel and his first mom to death. in feeling all these emotions i had an even more present awareness to protect our little guy, my new son, our newest Parker.

i think it was feeling close to Ronel’s mom that allowed me to feel connected to my own first mom. i hesitate to even write that last sentence. my fear of rejection and the intimate protector rises up and says, "no don’t let them know you feel anything." there is no running from this. the day my dad told me she cried something beautiful broke open. one of Ronel’s first days in our home he accidentally broke a bottle of my favorite anthropologie perfume. the smell that had been contained immediately filled the house. in much the same way i had a sudden awareness that Mary, my first mom, had feelings and emotions about carrying and birthing a child that she could not watch over for life. all the longing emotions i cherished about Ronel’s mom, whom i have never met, were now allowing me to believe that this person who birthed me must have, if only for a season, loved me.

you may think that is a given. that the person who made space in their body for you to grow, labored in pain for you, and even whom you may look like, would love you. before this time i never allowed myself to believe i was loved like that. i never allowed myself to grieve the absence of it either. instead i lived many years trying to resolve love in my world. i am an in love kind of girl. i love everything and i love everybody. in the same way i want everyone to love me. for a season i even needed everyones love.

after Thanksgiving dinner our kids stayed overnight with my parents. i remember being excited to spend some quiet time with E. we got home and within minutes we were fighting. i don’t even remember what about. after a few minutes it was evident that i was just throwing my own pain around to hurt him. that night my husband held me and together we prayed for God to bring peace to my pain. we asked for joy over the years i spent holding my beggars cup out to others. i had been asking for love when it was there all along. He loves. He loved. i knew it as truth but i was scared to really believe in the unfailing love of God for me. to let go of my emotional protectors meant being exposed. i realized i was using these walls to protect what i believed about God. i believed that He loves me wholly, BUT if i allowed my walls down and found out that for some reason he did not love me like that... then what? then all the lies i hear in my head may be true. no one loves you. everyone hurts you. no one wants you.

for the last ten years i have been teaching young women about how deeply God loves and pursues them. in my twisted and hurt, yet healing heart i had not allowed myself to be free in this, His love. could that be why i so desperately desired it for others? but only now through risky conversations and the adoption of Ronel and fights on Thanksgiving day i was desperate enough to be raw. it is in this open space that God has placed the final puzzle piece to wholeness. love is vulnerable, it’s true. it is also a place of great awakening and enjoyment of relationship with a God who is literally more than we could ever imagine.

. . . . .

if you are new to the becoming posts you may want to catch up here.

the shy girl talks about sex.

2011-02-17T10:36:00.003-06:00

i am talking about sex over at the Captivated Together blog. they decided to ask the most shy girl on the team to talk about sex. however, i did title the post confetti worthy. wow. now that i have said that you should go over and at least say hi because come on... i wrote about sex.

if for no other reason go over and see what my Father-In-Law said to me after me and E got back from our honeymoon. i should mention that i had a horrible sunburn and when he greeted me with a hug i cringed in pain. why didn't i mention that over there. o well.

see the photo right up there? yes. that is my embarrassed face. my embarrassed face and my new J Lo glasses.

our valentine's day. (ronel said i am brave)

2011-02-15T10:18:00.001-06:00

against my better judgment i took Jude along to Ronel's class "friendship" party. doing anything with a toddler in tow is about impossible. thankfully R hated his pretzel sticks while J loved them. success.

don't you just love how Ronel buttons every button on his shirts. i love how proper he is.

we did out do ourselves on the good ole valentine card. and by out do ourselves i mean we did a great job of finding an idea online and copied it well. it was a hit with the kids and the parents. score. i only care because i am still trying to make all the parents forget how last year at the school carnival i left J (in his stroller) in the snack line. that is not the worst part. it took us about five minutes before we realized. each Parker just thought the other Parker had him. it is something when you have to pick your baby up from lost and found.

in other words, i needed these valentines!

we ate heart shaped pizza for dinner. my kids love this every year. i know we are probably nearing the end of them liking this family valentine's party. that makes me sad. i bought balloons to do it up bigger this year. next year this may all be too lame.

i meant to write each of the bigs a love note. it didn't happen. what did happen ended up being a lot of fun. each of us were randomly assigned a person to write about. we thought of things that described them using the letters in their name. Ronel got a kick of Colt saying he was off the wall. Ronel looked at Colton and said in his amazing accent, you cwrazy Co-ton -- i neva been on a wall.

Ronel wrote about me. among other things he noted i was a good eater. it's true, i am. he also wrote that i was a brave rock. that knocked me off my chair and made me want to cry. me, an insecure woman, is thought of as brave from one i love.

what about you? how did you celebrate valentines day?
feel free to share your link in comments.

becoming: she cried.

2011-02-14T07:00:00.001-06:00

to really commit to sharing my story i felt it important to throw something scary out first. now that i am committed i take you back to the beginning. the literal beginning of me. if you are new to the becoming series find more by clicking here.

my mom, my oldest sister, my niece, then me. we were seated in that particular order on a velvet covered pew in a large catholic church. it was a funeral for someone in my mothers extended family. we had traveled for a few hours to pay our respects. being a fourth grader i did not know much about funerals or death or what paying respect meant. i went for and enjoyed gas station food in the back seat of my sisters Chevy Chevette. this church mixed with all kinds of people called family was foreign to me. my eye for detail kept me still as i starred at the ornate design of the building along with the veiled faces of women mourning. before i knew it i was straightening my pink dress and itchy petticoat. the dress had delicate white polka dots with a matching collar trimmed in lace. oddly i can remember the day we found and bought that dress at our local Macy’s. it was the same Macy’s store that only a few years earlier I stood in a weaving line to meet my favorites, He-Man and She-Ra.

leaning forward i notice a woman with long straight black hair talking with my mom. they shook hands quickly and mumbled something in Spanish. she, standing in the pew in front of ours, shook my sisters hand and then mine. i remember her looking into my eyes deeply. i watched her walk out of the pew and then down the aisle. right about the time i was wondering who this person was my sister leaned over and whispered into my ear, that’s Mary.

someone told my mom of a distant relative that was looking for a family to adopt her baby. before long Mary had come to Houston. being close to the end of her pregnancy she would live with my parents so they could take care of her during delivery and me after. up until recently i had not asked many questions about my birth and what happened after. since i was very young i heard stories of my parents and Mary tricking hospital staff so my birth certificate would come out worded correctly. no adoption lawyers necessary. i suppose all that drama was enough to keep me from needing more.

about a year ago my dad told me a few memories of the day he put Mary on a bus headed toward her home. with strength in his voice he told me how she stood at the side of the bus and... cried. he. said. she. cried. i had never in all my years allowed myself to think that this mystical like person had cared enough about me to cry about leaving. being a mom myself one would think it would have dawned on me earlier. it didn’t. after a usual meal my dad sat across the dinner table from me and told me how he had given her some money and about her tears and how she got on the bus and then was gone. i sat there almost stoic wishing i had a paper and pen to record every detail i was being told. he kept talking, i know it because i can remember his lips moving but all my mind could hear is she cried...she cried...she cried...she cared.

i must have been four or five years old when my older brother learned that he had been adopted. then in the back seat of my mom’s white Chrysler on a sunny afternoon drive my brother, in an angry voice, told me that my mom was not my real mom and the same for my dad. from that moment on it was just a fact that i knew about my life. it did not feel emotional. i never felt angry or hurt or anything.

now about thirty years later, sitting across the table from my dad i melted into that confused little girl. it was as if he handed me a key to a door that i kept locked. i always knew it was there but never felt brave enough to peek in.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

part two to this story coming next Monday.

be sure to subscribe.

it's Friday and it's sunny.

2011-02-11T15:40:00.000-06:00

sun flare always makes me silly.

i am sitting in my favorite 3:00 spot in my house. almost every day i sit here for a few quiet minutes to grab some sun and energy before the bigs come home.

i tried making a quick video so you could see all the sun flare. at take SIX i decided to just show you a screen shot of the would be video. don't ever let me fool you into thinking i am cool. nope. never. i laughed at my own dorky self while making a video about sun flare. feel free to do the same.

thank you for all your support about the new becoming posts. i am enjoying writing them. it makes it even better to know you are enjoying them also. i was up way late last night finishing up Monday's post. it is about my own adoption. it did feel kind of weird to jump out of marriage talk to talk about hospitals, chevettes, and pink polka dots. random is one of my strengths so i guess jumping around will work. i will be back to marriage at some point. i want to thank my fearless husband for allowing me to be so bold and share my journey with the internet. it is not and easy thing for preachers to do. his strength impresses me.

in much less important news, yesterday i redecorated my mantle THREE times. i am still not happy with the result. i decided to leave it be because what mom of four has time to worry with redecorating a mantle FOUR times in one day.

well blogging friends i hope you have the best weekend. this momma will be back to see you on Monday.

xoxo

D.

let's celebrate!

2011-02-09T15:24:00.001-06:00

ONE year of being a complete family is something to celebrate.
we made it. we made it. we made it. and it is good.
thank you, Sepulvada's for celebrating with us.

what are you celebrating these days?

becoming: twenty-three.

2011-02-07T06:00:00.003-06:00

this is part TWO to popsicle sticks

across the small town all of our stuff was set to collect dust in a storage unit. together with our toddlers we moved back to the place we called home. the only goal was to huddle as a family, to fight for love and for peace. the exact things that had come so easily only weeks before.

i stood in the bathroom with freshly towel dried hair. heavy curls circling my face. i was staring into the mirror, into my own eyes looking for something familiar. the thick humidity in Houston was working against my already frizzy hair and acne prone skin. my mom gave me a product that was suppose to help. this was the first day i used what i would later term as magic. a tall white bottle with the branding Infusium 23 written in brown letters down the side. bending over with my hair in the sink i poured the water like stuff into my long curls, blotted dry, and I was done.

we stepped into the elevator and in a slow-motion-replay-kind-of-way i remember E pressing the button for the second floor. in that exact moment i felt so much emotion but showed none of it. not fear, not anger, not frustration, not sadness, nothing. as the mirrored doors closed i remember noting it a good hair day. i felt pretty. for that i whispered a quick prayer of thanks. i wore blue jeans and a yellow knit shirt with some sort of flower embellishment at the neckline. when the elevator dinged and the mirrored doors opened we walked out together into the next phase of our life. his name was Gary and he counseled us twice a week at first. sitting on his couch in his dimly lit office felt exactly like i thought it would. scary, emotional, bare. on our first visit, while i wore the magic twenty three stuff he complimented my resolve and understanding. i held onto that for weeks. he saw something that i could not see. it was hope. we were encouraged to only talk about the hard questions there in his office. we listened. at least, most of the time.

my old journals were now thick from tear stained pages that i read over and over. only months before all of this i had felt God asking for more of my heart. i began to hear God in the most mundane mommy tasks like changing diapers and watching Dora and even in the beauty of back yard lemonade breaks while the todds napped. like in a dreamy romantic relationship i began falling in love with this One whom i had only known before in rules and details. it was so unexpected, fresh and new. beautiful. a wooing if you will. when the day came that i felt hurt and betrayed and without hope God had already brought me into thick relationship with Him. now sitting at the beginning of a difficult season, i took comfort in his before presence, how he was making me ready, how he cared so tenderly for my heart, how he sealed my knowledge of his love for me. it was as if he brought me near Himself to love and teach me deeply for the scary days i would soon be living.

the next few months i watched my husband fight for me. for my love, respect, and adoration. for my trust. during those days i watched a love story unfold between my husband and his God. much like the way God drew me near in the months prior, God was tending to the heart of a shamed man. it was intense. and i noticed it. during sunny afternoon talks and also in the dim midnight hours we learned each other again. we learned healing. instead of regaining our old good life back a new more vibrant one was being birthed.

you could say this is the beginning of our story.

. . . . . . . . . . .

wondering what becoming is all about? check here.

Dear Ronel.

2011-02-04T13:09:00.000-06:00

i can hardly remember what it was like, our broken kreyol and your broken english. you have been home a year today. my heart is full reminiscing over a year of learning to be your momma.

just now we sat around the lunch table eating pizza. it was the meal we first shared as a family. it was also your first American food request. each of us took a turn sharing our favorite memory from the last year. it was actually pretty fun. you remembered our family walk to Kroger which i had completely forgot about. i only remembered when you told me about the stick you found on that walk. you made us all refer to it as horse from that day forward. Colt remembered your first day of school and the way you called to him when you saw him in the hallway. eeh! eeh! eeh! was Carly's favorite memory. you had just received a big package and your excitement was evident in the form of jumping up and down and loud eeh's! Papa reminded you of the time a dog chased your bike, you threw down the bike and ran home. then you came running out of the garage with a plunger. you were ready to take the dog down at any cost. with a plunger. needless to say you are a lot of fun to do life with. i remembered overhearing the conversations all of you had in the Mazda while i sat in that hatch. to be honest it was like music to my ears to hear all of you together. it was also pretty funny getting somewhere and piling out of our very own clown car. i also remember your dazzling but shy smile as you learned the ropes of this house. i think it took you four whole seconds to fall in love with baby Jude. i kind of loved that. me and Papa have often said that Jude is the glue that bonded us all together. each of us loved the baby freely, not expecting anything from him. it reminded all of us how to love well.

but my most favorite thing was watching your basketball game just a few days ago. your team lost by what seemed like a hundred points but i didn't care and neither did you. you came out to play in the second period quickly causing fouls because of your determination. your classmates chanted your name and you acted like you did not have a care in the world. you were truly happy. when you had the ball you were in control of it and attempted many shots. then, at the perfect moment, you made one, the first one for your team. you made a few more after that and continued in the game until the end. i heard other parents murmur about how good #6 was. i should remind you, you were #6. i am sorry that i had tears running down my cheeks. i hoped that you did not see. i was just so happy to have you in my life. and in that moment i almost couldn't believe it was true. after the game i went to find you in class. i hugged you and some of your leftover sweat got on my chin. that's okay, mom's can handle their sweaty sons. i could tell you were proud of yourself and that alone made me happy.

Ronel, you are joy to me.

sometimes cheesy grins are what i need.

2011-02-01T22:49:00.001-06:00

i love what i have come to know as the blog world or my blog friends. sometimes they encourage me to cook more, other times to pray more, and even give more. a lot of the time my fellow mommy blogger friends inspire me to mother well.

i stood in the back of Saturday night church with Jude. he was pacing in the open area just being his cute little self. his little legs would take a few steps in one direction and quickly stop only to sway back and forth in complete sync with the beat of the band. while doing this swaying motion he tilts his head a certain way and his eyes become intense with concentration. he is super cute in that moment. after three of four of these rather odd sways he takes off to another part of the space usually finding someone to walk up to and cheer for. seriously. he just finds someone and randomly chooses them. he looks at them deeply like he has loved them all of his thirteen months. then he holds his hands up high and claps in their honor all the while flashing a big cheesy grin. it never fails to make the person smile. he is super cute in that moment.

during those super cute moments i remember to treasure him. in intensely remembering to treasure him i remember to treasure my mommy gig, or my calling, as my friend Jamie so awesomely put it. why at other times do i forget this is my ultimate service in life? why do i forget this is also my ultimate reward? i don't have the answer but i am so thankful for this life with my wild and loving five.

if you haven't already, head over to Jamie's blog and read her post my calling. i love my friends and their wisdom.

becoming: popsicle sticks.

2011-01-31T07:00:00.008-06:00

before you read today's post make sure you have read this.

the usual late night couch date was anything but ordinary. i was curled up with my favorite blanket in my usual corner of the couch. as everybody loves raymond played on the TV i ran my fingers across the patterned sage fabric. we had bought this couch only four years earlier. i remembered back to the summer day we went shopping for this very couch. while quickly looking around i saw it and true to my fashion i did not want to look for another. perfectly placed laughter from the television did not shake my walk down memory lane. under the dim hue of the side lamp i sat for a while longer remembering nursing my perfect newborn babies in the same ordinary corner. so many nights like this one were spent laughing at random shows all the while talking with my husband whose normal spot was the other side of the couch.

he was there.
on his side.
but now
between us
sat a perfectly placed invisible but solid wall.

or so it felt.

so many things had been done and said. each of us sit coma like with the familiar episodes looping. neither of us could muster out a single laugh. our hearts were more than fragile, they were broken. there sitting in our rented living room our young marriage was being tested for authenticity. we had breezed through our first few years as Mr. and Mrs. it was not until this point at our five year mark that we really understood about love, sacrifice, and grace in marriage. only a year earlier we sat in a Pastors office with that Pastor sharing words about the two of us having some sort of maturity that was beyond our young years. at that time we laughed at such a misjudged thought. now we were desperate for it to be true.

for days we questioned each other, listened to advice from those who stood around us, and just sat with a numb feeling covering our home. at this same home i had tilled the ground and tried my first vegetable garden. sunflowers stood high in the back yard perfectly lining our chicken wire fencing. a sweet little yellow and blue swing hung in one of the two front trees. this little house on Prospect street was a treasure to us, the young married college students and part time church staff. the little three bedroom house had been just what we needed but on this day it was dark and gray. mini blinds that were usually wide open were now pulled tight. the ever present parade of discarded popsicle sticks served as a reminder of two toddlers that also lived in this house. they were our reminder of life.

on a Sunday night with shaky hands i dressed myself in a green skirt with tiny purple flowers. i remember how loosely the skirt fit after a week of little eating and lots of crying. tonight would be the night that in front of our church and more importantly our junior high students we would share how our marriage was falling apart. Ernest read words he had typed onto a white 8 x 11 piece of paper. i struggled to listen to every single sentence trying to make sense of what i had only learned days earlier. a sweet friend sat next to me with a tight grip on my hand. it felt like the world was pushing equally tight around me. my own breath was slow and labored. words like relationship, emotional, failure, inappropriate, i'm sorry, were all making their way out of Ernest's mouth. he stood there in his pressed black suit and resigned from his first ministry job. without his usual goatee i could see his quivering lip as he tried not to cry. to this day i can remember the look of brokenness in his eyes. it was the same brokenness that in that moment and for months to come i felt growing in my heart.

. . . . . . .

part two next Monday.

a new beginning. a new season. yes, sort of.

2011-01-30T22:28:00.000-06:00

thirteen days ago i talked about becoming. since writing that specific post countless number of random happenings have come up only to deepen my resolve to share. for a lot of years i have wanted to faithfully participate in what i wore Wednesday posts or ~~awe~~ inspire you with my DIY projects. neither of them are my gifts. i have been gifted with both pain and beauty wrapped in the skin of my memory.

what you can expect is a becoming post to appear on Mondays. the stories will sometimes be in order and other times be a random picking. as in life each telling will not be perfectly fit with a bow. sometimes the story will leave you frustrated for a part two sooner than a week later. i need to give myself this time to deeply discern before i write. i apologize beforehand for any frustration this could cause. if you are worried you will forget to check back i suggest you subscribe to this blog. if you don't know how to do that email me and i will help you.

the first post will go up tomorrow. February is the month of love and what better time to start telling the most romantic story i know, a girl and her liberating King. the post i have chosen to share first might be the most difficult. if you pray i would appreciate you to stop and say a quick prayer for me.

as always, thank you for reading.

D.

a weekend story in green.

2011-01-23T22:04:00.000-06:00

click photo to enlarge

this weekend i aimed for a very laid back lifestyle. with that said i looked for green around me but did not try to create it. notice that i need to take some minutes to paint my toe nails. i am not into green toe nail polish. maybe because Carly paints her toenails green. i would rather black, brown, red, or a purple like gray. and because i wonder about random things leave me a comment and tell me what color is your toe's favorite?

about the photos.
one. Carly wore a lime green headband today.
two. i finished this book in three sittings.
three. i plan to start this book soon. one of my fave snacks. ($2 @target)
four. i thought i would show you my view at church.

thank you instagr.am. you should grab the app. it's free.

it's your turn. if you took the green photo challenge click the click here to enter button below and follow directions. Make sure to put in the url address of where you have the photos. fun stuff!

weekend photo challenge.

2011-01-21T12:48:00.004-06:00

i am ready to welcome back our weekly photo challenge.
are you ready to play along?

our color is going to be green or at least shades of green.
sound good?
so get out and take photos of your life, your kids, your street, anything that has a green something in it. feel free to captivate me with your take on spontaneous fun.

because i don't feel like shooting with my real camera this weekend, i am only going to use my iPhone and my most favorite new app instagr.am. (photos in new header are all instagr.am photos) feel free to use whatever you want. just remember to think creatively and try to shoot in natural light (no auto flash).

leave a comment and let me know that you are playing and what you are going to use (ex: canon rebel, iPhone, Casio Exilim). on Monday i will post another blog where you can link up and show us your photos.

good? good.

happy weekend shooting.

becoming.

2011-01-18T14:16:00.002-06:00

when you learn, teach.
when you get, give.
-Maya Angelou

over the last months this blog has twisted and turned, groaned even. it is a natural tuning to what is happening in my own life. last night at our first Captivated Together i shared about how this last year God has shown himself as my deliverer. honestly, i don't remember all that i said, but i do recall trying to make this one point. in my inmost parts where truth resides i felt a dusting off. hang with me. i have written about it here before. all those intricate hurts or treasured moments sit together in a precious place and one by one they are being brought out to light. i knew it was for me. in a very painful and beautiful way God was using this season to deliver me from shame, pain, and fame. yet in the last months during all the twisting and groaning on and off these cyber pages i have come to hear a whisper that maybe, just maybe, they are not only for me.

a few days ago i picked up lunch from a restaurant here in my little suburban town. while waiting on my order i had a short conversation with the server. she laughed and tickled Jude. he smiled back at her. she looked deep into his eyes and said something like your momma is so lucky. i mentioned back something about how yes i think he is pretty great even though he was the biggest surprise of my thirties. her words got quiet as she shared how only two years earlier she carried twins full term, birthed them, and then lost them to death. in my dumbfounded way i looked back into her eyes and said before i could hold my tongue. you have a story. you have a story to share. she said she did. i left feeling like i had just met someone with such wisdom. she had been through such deep pain and stood before me with strength. i could learn from her.

as we drove to church on a usual Sunday morning i felt myself mulling these thoughts about having a story, sharing a story, what is too much to share, would it be too hard, why would i do this. after unbuckling Jude from his car seat and nestling him into my arms i followed three Parker kids into the church. after checking the baby into the nursery i met up with my family and soon we were all singing along with Olivette *you know my heart, you love me still, what could be better? you knew me then, you know me now, what could be better?. God knew me when i messed up. God knew me when i was hurt. God knew me when i was voted runner-up to most talented in high school. he knew me when i was so fearful that i would use not one but two metal hangers to bind my bedroom door shut and locked. he knew me when i felt like no one else in the world understood me or loved me. he knew me when i was desperate for love and my choices were evidence of it. truth is today he knows the depth of my heart and chooses to love me in the mess of it.

my story is a mixing of random yet intricate happenings. the long process of pinning them together to make one beautiful banner is what is next for me. some of that will happen here on the blog. some of it may happen in a journal i will write for my children. at one point in my youth ministry days i really wanted to write a book about the process of becoming for teenage girls. it was to be all about how God romances us along our lives in the mundane, the pain, and beauty, even if our eyes are closed to it. in many ways this telling is going to be the story of how God did that for me. i am going to look back and tell the stories, yet there in the moment when i was unaware, God was tenderly romancing me to himself.

* i don't know the exact lyrics to the song. this is just what my mind keeps replaying.

UPDATED to add link to music by Olivette.
click here & check it out on itunes the song i referred to is God of Peace.