11.12.2015

Beginning Again

It's a strange thing to think about Beginning Again in the same season that I have termed The Goodbye Years. I remember people starting blogs when their family life was new or to document an adoption journey. I know of others who started a blog to showcase amazing design and photos and recipes. I don't remember many blogs beginning in the season of kids graduating high school and moving on to All The Things that are waiting. 

Aside from the three teenagers, I have one wild five year old. He just began Kindergarten. Every single day at 2:45 I get to hear every word he had stored up. His brain is constantly learning, and these days, his body constantly moving. That is until 7 o'clock every night when he asks to be put to bed. He is the kid that is out like a light - so long as his songs play. The bus coming by 6:57 in the morning may play a part. 

And then there are the three teens. One of which, my only girl, is ready to graduate this spring. Today I got a text from her asking if she could get a tattoo on her 18th birthday. She sent the text to EP and me as if we were gonna reply back with a quick yes. She knows at 18 she can officially buy cigarettes and spray paint, but no one tell her that she can get her own tatt without me saying so. I mean, will she love the one she chooses at 18? Can anyone answer this for me? 


I would usually say I am an easy release kind of mom. Like I skipped all the way back from Kindergarten drop off every single time. I pushed the two teen drivers to hurry up and finish those drivers ed courses so they could go get the milk. During late elementary I let them walk alone to the community pool. Gasp. And that just reminded me they use to also walk the four blocks home from school. Sure they somehow think I am overprotective, but they don't even know. Even tonight I was with my oldest son. He was driving and I was his passenger. So basically my life was flashing before my eyes. I happened to comment about a guy walking the street to which my son replied you don't have to mother everyone. Thank you son of my youth, I will remember your wisdom. From this day forward I will reserve all my mothering for you and you alone. 

The tension of simultaneously holding on and letting go is the hardest lesson we all learn. It is not reserved for mothers. If only. As soon as we open ourselves to care, to love, to create, the desire is born to hold on tight. Who loves being open handed with what and who we love. Not us. Not happening. Except we know that holding on too tight takes out life. 

The only real battle in life is between hanging on and letting go. - Shannon L. Alder

The goodbye years. 'Tis the season. Everything is a last to make way for everything to be a first. I couldn't be more excited for my wild people to be doing their things, learning and re learning, buying spray paint and getting the tattoos (whatever). I will probably have a lot of words about these things and those words will probably fall here. But also words about the other things I am learning to hold on and let go of, like justice, adoption, ending human trafficking, loving people, and following Jesus. If things get too serious around here, for the love, send me an email. I mean if we don't laugh together then we have nothing. 

So, In the words of Adele, Hello, It's me. I'm here beginning this blog again. 


From all of our beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden story - Ann Voskamp


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